Saturday, March 22, 2014

Sonja's Tips For Stepmothers

Sonja’s Tips for Stepmothers

*     Take it easy and take it slowly.  Realise that you stepchildren need as much time to get used to you as you need to get used to them

*     Remember that you are not their biological mother and never will be, so don’t waste any effort in trying to replace her

*     Be aware that your step kids might struggle with loyalty issues.  If they don’t fell as though you are a threat to the relationship they have with their biological mother , it’ll be much easier on them… and (therefore ) on you.

*     Be for them whatever you are comfortable with and what you think might be best for them -  that could be a mentor, a guide, a protector, a listening ear, a friend or just a comfortable and/or fun person to be around

*     Don’t jump into the role of disciplinarian.  Your stepchildren won’t appreciate it.  Let their dad be in charge of that department at least for a while

*     Don’t heap expectations on your stepchildren .  That achieves no more than to incite their resentment , rebellion and rejection… and it leaves you demoralised , discouraged and feeling as though you’ve failed

*     Avoid competing with your step kids for your partners love.  That always ends in an argument and tears and is a totally futile effort. Instead accept that the love he has for them is different to the love he has for you.

*     Be nice to your stepchildren. Even if initially they don’t respond in kind it increases your chance that eventually they will

*     Accept them for who they are even if they are nothing like the way you’d prefer them to be.  Acceptance is the only foundation from which healthy change can occur

*     Be aware that it’s not unusual for step mum’s to feel isolated, disappointed , rejected, and hurt.  If you feel this way , remember that you are not the ‘ only one’ Make sure you let off steam and don’t bottle up your feelings

*     Take care of yourself.  Unless you ensure that YOUR love-tank is full, YOUR needs are net and you spend some time just being YOURSELF, you won’t last the distance.

*     Guard your sense of humour and share it with your family.  Lots of situations in you step mothering experience will leave you with a choice -  to laugh or to cry. Choosing to see the funny side of things will help you stay sane despite the difficulties of your step – journey. 

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Reminder To All Stepmothers: You DO Have The Power Of Choice!

After reading a post in the Huffington Post that emerged in my inbox today (which is actually quite curious as the post is about 3 years old) I was reminded, yet again, of how pertinent the Serenity Prayer is to all of us who are step mums. Have you ever seen or heard the Serenity Prayer? It reads like this:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

In our step-experience we come across a multitude of things that we want to change…feel we need to change…try to change…work really hard at changing…think we won’t be able to stand it if we cannot change…are in despair over not being able to change…expend a lot of energy in being angry or frustrated about it not changing…and often have to travel a long way before we can finally accept the fact that maybe this particular issue simply cannot be changed.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change:

The issues that spring to mind here (assuming that you’ve tried all you could) could be:

1.    Your relationship with your partner’s “ex” - it might be shocking, might always have been shocking and may continue to remain this way.

2.    You could have a similarly dreadful relationship with your own ex-partner that, despite all your efforts, nothing short of a miracle would change.

3.    You might have a difficult and painful relationship with one or all of your stepchildren.

4.    You could be hungering in vain for your partner’s support in the areas that make you feel like you’re constantly climbing uphill without a mountain peak in sight.

The courage to change the things we can:

If we follow through with the same issues as are raised above this could look like the following:

1.    If you cannot change the fact that the relationship is a shocking one, you can choose to limit your emotional investment. If you’ve tried all you can you can choose to stop trying. You can decide that it will not affect our feelings towards your stepchildren, that you won’t let it affect the relationship you have with your partner, etc. You can “find” the changeable things and go about making those changes.

2.    A similar process can apply to the relationship you have with your ex-partner. You can decide that it isn’t that important now that you have a new family and can “let go” of the expectation that you can make it better.

3.    You can try and connect with your stepchildren in different ways. Maybe the old ways just weren’t working for you or for them. You can learn more about them that might help you at least “understand” why they behave the way they do. You could make an effort to connect with other step-parents who are sure to be sharing some of your difficulties and understand most of your “woes”.

4.    You can (and should) do anything and everything in your power to enlist your partners’ support, letting them know about your struggles, fears, difficulties, insecurities, concerns – and the multitude of issues that you are ill-equipped to deal with on your own.

That is perhaps the greatest challenge of all. How do we know the difference? Often with great difficulty, sometimes not at all. But there is one thing we can be certain of, and it’s that certainty that gave me a new lease on life once I became aware of it. We can perhaps change our circumstances but WE CANNOT EVER CHANGE ANOTHER PERSON. The only thing that we have total and complete power to change is OURSELVES.

How can that translate into your reality?

1.    You cannot control what the terrible “ex” will or won’t do, but you CAN CONTROL HOW YOU RESPOND to this and how far you allow it to affect you. You can decide whether he or she is worth having a nervous breakdown over.

2.    You cannot control your ex-partner’s internal temperature, his/her resentment, unpleasantness, hatred or anything else about them, but you CAN CONTROL HOW YOU RESPOND to them.

3.    You cannot control your stepchildren’s feelings, their anger, resentment, jealousy, confusion, sadness, loyalty issues etc., but we CAN CONTROL HOW WE RESPOND to them. We can choose to be kind in the face of their unkindness, we can choose to be loving despite the fact that they are not at all, we can also choose to draw boundaries that define what they may and may not do whilst they are in our home etc.

4.    You cannot control whether your partner will or will not support you, but you CAN CONTROL HOW YOU RESPOND to this. In order to create a functioning stepfamily you need a lot of  support and it is vital to have a support network. Ideally your partner heads this network. If he/she does not, it is up to each individual to decide whether they choose to struggle on alone or not. If you decide to carry the load on your own (as it were) be sure to remember that this is your choice. If you feel that you cannot/will not/do not want to do it in this way, you may be faced with some tough decisions. Remember it is YOU who controls what happens next.

Easier said than done you might say. Yes, I agree!  After all I’ve been there and have done that...all of it, from expecting things to go the way I wanted them…to hoping against all hope…to railing against my “horrible fate”…to wanting to run away…to realizing that if anything was going to change in my situation, my thoughts, my feelings, the change had to begin in me…to working on myself …to seeing change occur as a consequence of that work… to growth and maturity…to acceptance…to peace…to joy.

Each one of us holds the power of choice to accept the things we cannot change, to change the things we can (even if it does mean that we walk away from the relationship) and to do what it takes to learn how to tell the difference which, I believe, is the greatest challenge of all ! 

4.  Food For Thought:

No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent. (Eleanor Roosevelt)

If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. (Mary Engelbreit)

A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes. (Hugh Downs)

We create our fate every day we live. (Henry Miller)

This is the last of human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to chose one’s own way. (Victor Frankl)

Monday, June 24, 2013

Managing Step Relationships - Step 4



DON’T forget that your biological children need your love, time and attention as much as your stepchildren do.

DO remember to constantly reassure your biological children of your love and affection.


DON’T allow yourself to become so overwhelmed with the responsibilities of your stepfamily that you have no time left for your own children.

DO make time for them to:

*  Take them out for special meals – e.g. dinner for just the two of you.
*  Make special play time with them – perhaps whilst the other children are at school. 
* Do more of what you used to do before your child/ren became part of the stepfamily - e.g. pat them to sleep, talk special ‘baby talk’ to them, give them lots of hugs and kisses.


DON’T expect maturity beyond their years from your biological children. They may not yet understand concepts of sharing and caring and might simply want all of you for themselves.

DO find ways of explaining and showing them that you have enough love for everyone in the family. Help them understand that the more love you give the more it grows and that love is something that can never be exhausted.


DON’T expect your biological children to automatically see and embrace the benefits of your remarriage.

DO point out to them the good things that have resulted from your remarriage, such as:

*  Gaining a loving step-parent.
* Having more opportunities to go to soccer - or other games; swimming with stepbrothers and sisters.
Gaining step-siblings to play and to talk with.
*  Having more family outings.