Comments on StepmotherMATTERS: How To Survive The Ex-Partner

I would be happy to be fair and supportive to bio ...

2011-04-04T17:11:45.463+10:00

I would be happy to be fair and supportive to bio mum, if bio mum was sane and acting in any manner resembling normal, but in my case, experience of bio mum was totally dysfunctional and quite alarming.

Soon after I started seeing my partner, his ex-wife faxed my work a 6 page fax, which my State Manager collected off the fax machine first thing in the morning. Being anxious it hadn't faxed, she had sent it 3 times. 18 pages of insanity, addressed to me, that my boss read. She also rang me to 'follow' up, and unleashed a bizarre and frightening character assassination of him and told me I could "have the wedding rings". They had divorced 5 years earlier. I told her calmly, but with a pounding heart, that there was no need to enter into any of this, and all we needed to do was focus on the best interests of their little girl, and what arrangements would work best for her upbringing. There was no emotional content I needed to know about. She was so worked up, it was palpable over the phone, and my State Manager (a woman) actually had to try and help her calm down.

It took 18 months before I was allowed to meet his daughter, because she manipulated the child to be afraid of me, or made her believe that it was a big deal to meet me. Contrary to this, I have worked with my partner to get him financially stable, so his child support is now paid on the day ever week and we are always able to give her expensive gifts and fulfil requests for extra money, whereas before he was not.

My partner also has teenage sons to another woman, who i've had issues with too, despite trying only to better the household and provide a secure environment. I've been accused of "mistreating my boys" by her, been told by one of the sons to "*** off back to where you came from" and called a "sl**" by one of their girlfriends for asking her not to park her car on our lawn. Suffice to say, she doesn't stay at our home any more.

So intense, and I had no experience of this sort of venomous, intense meanness up until this point.

Fortunately, my partner is very supportive and stands by me 100%. Despite this, I can honestly say, the last 18 months has been so challenging, and really required a thick skin and to adjust to a very steep learning curve.

I don't think we should demonise bio mums, or put step mums on a pedastal either. But I do think all parties should make an attempt to act like adults and behave in a civilised way. After all, a step mum is just a woman who has fallen in love with a man who has children. Certainly her choice to be with him means she must take accountability for what that means to some extent but also, don't take all her dreams away from her.

Step mums are just little girls who grew up. They still have dreams of being loved, wanted, valued, and creating a home and a family that they can be proud of. How come they're not allowed to have that?

Hi Anonymous, I can only imagine how difficult i...

2009-08-19T20:30:42.666+10:00

Hi Anonymous,

I can only imagine how difficult it must be to be a stepparent to 5 children - 5 extra people in your world - 5 different personalities, each with different thought, feelings, fears, anxieties, loyalties, confusions, hopes, dreams, needs etc. etc. You must be a very brave woman indeed!

Unfortunate though it is, none of us can control what others will say behind our backs, even if it’s untrue, unfair and hurtful. All WE CAN do is to retain our own integrity in the face of this challenge. This means trying to be as accommodating and kind as possible, remembering that children are immature and don’t have the life experience or understanding of adults.

My suggestion would be, if your stepchildren are as nice as pie when they are around you, that you try and accept this at face value. I’d also encourage you to remember, when this feels too difficult, that each of these children will one day grow up and then have the ability to judge for him or herself what an important part you have played in their growing years.

Often, children who were real step-horrors, turn into lovely young men and women who by that stage are incredibly grateful to their stepparent for being understanding, forgiving and for not giving up on them.

I hope this helps,
Best wishes on your step-journey -
Sonja Ridden

I have to say. Taking on a man with 5 children ha...

2009-08-18T21:42:45.719+10:00

I have to say. Taking on a man with 5 children has been really hard. Every attempt ive made to set up new traditions to benefit the kids has been seen as a dig, either by the mum (god only knows why), or by the teenage daughter who sees me as meddling in her and her dads relationship. when ive always been clear that we (my partner) and i are becomming a family unit and trying to make them feel welcome in that "family" All i seem to be getting is mud thrown at me. Im hearing that the kids are going home to mum saying disrespectful things about me - but yet to my face they are completely nice as pie. Im at a stage where im lost as to what to do. any advice is appreciated.

Hi Anonymous, You are so right when you look at ...

2009-07-29T22:43:21.634+10:00

Hi Anonymous,

You are so right when you look at this picture from the perspective of a separated bio mum who is doing her darnedest best to survive all the changes, especially if they were not of HER making, her bitter loss of expectations, her disappointments, sense of betrayal and helplessness. As I not only work with second families but with couples in all sorts of crises including separation, I am fully aware of how the 'ex's repartnering looks 'from the other side of the fence'. Separation and divorce cause much grief and the truth is that nobody involved remains unscathed. Stepmothers don't belong on the pedestal but they often, though clearly not always, are just as innocent and helpless in the face of the destruction caused by the splitting of the original family unit. All of this is a problem to which, unfortunately there are no easy answers. The best anyone in such a situation can do is to remember that the most innocent of all in a marriage break-up are the children. If both parties are able to put aside the issues they have with each other for the benefit of their kids, this alone has the potential to make all the difference. Sadly, far too many people seem to be quite incapable of doing this...thus we have lots of very unhappy stepmums, lots of equally unhappy bio mums and bio fathers who feel like the 'meat in the sandwich'.
THERE ARE NO EASY ANSWERS!

Best wishes,
Sonja

please no attacks... not up that kind of thing...

2009-07-29T13:04:32.477+10:00

please no attacks... not up that kind of thing...

I am really at a lost as why the bio moms are pain...

2009-07-29T13:02:12.323+10:00

I am really at a lost as why the bio moms are painted to be monsters or something you need to survive, maybe the kids and the ex have survive a person they never wanted or needed in their lives... like someone their dad had a affair with... just a thought before you give sainthood away to only stepmother... who matter... bio mothers matter too... we did give birth... and many of us have custody of our children and wind up being the only parent... parenting... I think it best to do your best for the children and take the high road... but you know it is a two street... this is like the age old battle of working moms vs stay at home moms... it is not a war and there is no enemy... making that the case is so very wrong...