Comments on StepmotherMATTERS: Stepfamilies Are Different

one more thing.... he thinks I am so angered by hi...

2012-02-13T11:34:02.447+11:00

one more thing.... he thinks I am so angered by his actions because I don't have enough of my own life.... so a change in plans (where he invites his daughter over on our night together) should not affect me so much.... i should just be able to "roll with it"... little does he know that the reason i do not hop powerfully into my driver seat is because I have given way for his kids!!!! The last time we had this discussion I decided to run an experiment where I developed my life according to my drummer... and low and behold the prenatal class that i was most resonant with fell on a wed night (the same night his kids come over for dinner--- one of the 2 nights).... well the prenatal class is for couples of course.... he ended up coming to 2 of the classes but for the rest of the 6 weeks was on my own (watching the other couples massage and care for eachother as they prepare for birth)... he thought i chose wed night intentionally to be difficult.... but THAT prenatal class turned into my mothers group and my MAIN support group... so I don't believe this to be true. Anyways.... when labour started... my water broke right away and I was excited and sleeping was not an option! My partner (who this was baby number 4) said to get some sleep and rolled over.... he obviously did not share my level of excitement :( I labored well into the next day when he and his daughter had planned to play some street hockey---- it didn't occur to me that i had to specify where I wanted him to be while I was in labor!!!!!!! But sure enough he asked if it was ok if he went to go play hockey with his daughter since he thought it was going to be a while! I was mortified and didn't want my mother to know I had chosen such a person for a partner so I made it seem as though i was totally fine with that.... after all.... if he is even asking me--- it meant that being with me through the labour OF OUR SON was not the most important thing to him... because if it was he would have told this to his daughter and omitted even asking me!!!!! anyways... needless to say my labour stopped... no further dilation... the ground was no longer safe for me to deliver.... I was abandoned.... emergency c-section after 54 hours of labour..... and a failed home birth :( anyways..... now a second wave is coming where I feel like building my life without thinking about his 3 other kids (which would actually mean moving west... but I will limit my dreams to at least staying in the city where his kids live)....this was preceeded by a dream where my partner told his daughter she could drive the car and I was FURIOUS at him and stuck in the back seat..... I just want to go swimming and take violin lessons.... that's all.... I'll let you know how it goes....

One thing I noticed about stepfamilies is that eve...

2012-02-13T04:21:24.113+11:00

One thing I noticed about stepfamilies is that everyone is severely compromised..... nobody is actually getting what they want.... is there anyone out there who had actually made this work? Who feels their life is truly unfolding in it's predestined vital way? (who hasn't talked their partner into moving far away ;)). I have moments of blissful ignorance and them huge slaps in the face of reality... I planned a quiet night in with a movie for a saturday night and my partner invited his daughter over to watch the hockey game! Not only was I not notified of the invitation but I don't like hockey... so i was written out of the script.... That sums up being a stepmom.... going from lead lady to 'extra' on the set... often with no warning at all.
one more example.... we planned a trip out west with our son... and he invited his daughter WITHOUT asking me!!!! He claims it is a natural gear for him.... he will have to work on this (no doubt).... now I don't even want to go on the trip... why would I pay airfare for our son and I to go on a trip as an 'extra' when I agreed to the trip as a 'lead lady'. Anyways... thanks for listening.... I am trapped in this reality and find that visible suffering is the only way to let my partner know that his actions hurt me! He doesn't understand at all.... and perhaps I don't understand him? or his daughter? I am hurt... that's all I know

any woman rooted in true reality would never take ...

2012-02-13T04:01:36.070+11:00

any woman rooted in true reality would never take on the role as a stepmother. Relationships themselves push your limits of compromise.... but throw another drummer into the picture and you can kiss your entire self-directed
life goodbye.... if you are still in the decision making process... DON'T DO IT! Anyways.... I wish that was the advice I had taken in before embarking on this path.

Hi Alexandra, Managing the routine is a great fi...

2010-01-22T09:32:35.361+11:00

Hi Alexandra,

Managing the routine is a great first step. The rest will come in time.

Trying to recreate a nuclear family when it's a stepfamily often is what gets people into trouble because it cannot be done. There simply are too many, and very significant, differences between one and the other - which you will discover as you keep on reading the next few installments. Grieving, for instance, is very much part and parcel of the stepfamily - in fact, for every member of a stepfamily - because this family form always involves loss. The details of this will also appear in one of the future blog entries, so I won't go into them now but you may rest assured that this is a very normal component of stepfamily life...and like all grief does get easier as time goes by - provided you understand what it's all about and work at it. Acceptance is the ultimate key to success and to future happiness. Acceptance, however, doesn't happen overnight either, it usually is a process that can rarely be rushed. So, just be patient with YOURSELF, YOUR PARTNER AND YOUR STEPFAMILY, keep on learning all about the dynamics of this type of family and keep on working at it....and, in time, things will get a lot easier and feel far more normal than they do right now.

Best of luck,
Sonja

I have been a stepfamily for 6 months. Although we...

2010-01-21T05:45:06.295+11:00

I have been a stepfamily for 6 months. Although we have managed the routine, the idea of recreating the nuclear family is what is most difficult for me. To me, it is like a grieving process and I find it very difficult to accept that me and my man will never share the bond of parenting the same way he does with his ex.

I'll keep on reading. Hopefully it gets better!