StepmotherMATTERS

one more thing.... he thinks I am so angered by hi...

2012-02-13T11:34:02.447+11:00

one more thing.... he thinks I am so angered by his actions because I don't have enough of my own life.... so a change in plans (where he invites his daughter over on our night together) should not affect me so much.... i should just be able to "roll with it"... little does he know that the reason i do not hop powerfully into my driver seat is because I have given way for his kids!!!! The last time we had this discussion I decided to run an experiment where I developed my life according to my drummer... and low and behold the prenatal class that i was most resonant with fell on a wed night (the same night his kids come over for dinner--- one of the 2 nights).... well the prenatal class is for couples of course.... he ended up coming to 2 of the classes but for the rest of the 6 weeks was on my own (watching the other couples massage and care for eachother as they prepare for birth)... he thought i chose wed night intentionally to be difficult.... but THAT prenatal class turned into my mothers group and my MAIN support group... so I don't believe this to be true. Anyways.... when labour started... my water broke right away and I was excited and sleeping was not an option! My partner (who this was baby number 4) said to get some sleep and rolled over.... he obviously did not share my level of excitement :( I labored well into the next day when he and his daughter had planned to play some street hockey---- it didn't occur to me that i had to specify where I wanted him to be while I was in labor!!!!!!! But sure enough he asked if it was ok if he went to go play hockey with his daughter since he thought it was going to be a while! I was mortified and didn't want my mother to know I had chosen such a person for a partner so I made it seem as though i was totally fine with that.... after all.... if he is even asking me--- it meant that being with me through the labour OF OUR SON was not the most important thing to him... because if it was he would have told this to his daughter and omitted even asking me!!!!! anyways... needless to say my labour stopped... no further dilation... the ground was no longer safe for me to deliver.... I was abandoned.... emergency c-section after 54 hours of labour..... and a failed home birth :( anyways..... now a second wave is coming where I feel like building my life without thinking about his 3 other kids (which would actually mean moving west... but I will limit my dreams to at least staying in the city where his kids live)....this was preceeded by a dream where my partner told his daughter she could drive the car and I was FURIOUS at him and stuck in the back seat..... I just want to go swimming and take violin lessons.... that's all.... I'll let you know how it goes....

One thing I noticed about stepfamilies is that eve...

2012-02-13T04:21:24.113+11:00

One thing I noticed about stepfamilies is that everyone is severely compromised..... nobody is actually getting what they want.... is there anyone out there who had actually made this work? Who feels their life is truly unfolding in it's predestined vital way? (who hasn't talked their partner into moving far away ;)). I have moments of blissful ignorance and them huge slaps in the face of reality... I planned a quiet night in with a movie for a saturday night and my partner invited his daughter over to watch the hockey game! Not only was I not notified of the invitation but I don't like hockey... so i was written out of the script.... That sums up being a stepmom.... going from lead lady to 'extra' on the set... often with no warning at all.
one more example.... we planned a trip out west with our son... and he invited his daughter WITHOUT asking me!!!! He claims it is a natural gear for him.... he will have to work on this (no doubt).... now I don't even want to go on the trip... why would I pay airfare for our son and I to go on a trip as an 'extra' when I agreed to the trip as a 'lead lady'. Anyways... thanks for listening.... I am trapped in this reality and find that visible suffering is the only way to let my partner know that his actions hurt me! He doesn't understand at all.... and perhaps I don't understand him? or his daughter? I am hurt... that's all I know

any woman rooted in true reality would never take ...

2012-02-13T04:01:36.070+11:00

any woman rooted in true reality would never take on the role as a stepmother. Relationships themselves push your limits of compromise.... but throw another drummer into the picture and you can kiss your entire self-directed
life goodbye.... if you are still in the decision making process... DON'T DO IT! Anyways.... I wish that was the advice I had taken in before embarking on this path.

Well anonymous the thing is that whilst I agree th...

2011-12-24T19:48:07.465+11:00

Well anonymous the thing is that whilst I agree that a childs well being and welfare are important, unfortunately some teenagers can be very manipulative and if their is a crack in the marriage then everything will unravel. A united strong marriage gives stability and at the emd of the day, kids grow up and leave the nest. If you choose your kids over your partner for the wrong reasons you can end up being on your own and loose the love of your life.

I have no words but thank you!

2011-12-06T21:18:27.695+11:00

I have no words but thank you!

Are you serious? "our marriage is the most im...

2011-11-08T22:03:04.284+11:00

Are you serious? "our marriage is the most important thing"...this makes my skin crawl, Sometimes adults have to realize the feelings of children before themselves. No wonder there were problems. Good luck to your blended family

That was great! How can I get permission (do I ne...

2011-07-04T16:35:19.266+10:00

That was great!
How can I get permission (do I need to?) to use that section on a program I have put together for people 'stepping into a new family" via our Family Relationship Centre. col

If you've lasted THIS long it would seem like ...

2011-05-17T11:47:24.576+10:00

If you've lasted THIS long it would seem like an awful shame to 'throw in the towel' just when your stepson is about old enough to start out on his own.

I can imagine your frustration, though, after all these years of trying hard to accommodate your stepson's bad behaviour, and fully appreciate your need to vent. That's when it is so important to have a network of friends or other supporters where you can offload because the child's parent does tend to wear out. This is especially so if he agrees with your grievances but feels helpless to make the appropriate changes.

I hope that you will find the strength to do what is right for you in the long run.

Best wishes, Sonja

90% of the time I am very nice to my stepson. I...

2011-05-15T18:43:39.298+10:00

90% of the time I am very nice to my stepson. I've given him love and affection and cared for his emotional and material needs for the past nine years. This in spite of the fact that he has been stealing from me since he was thirteen. When confronted we have tantrums, screaming and swearing (even though he's now eighteen). Then eventually he admits it - although always with an excuse for himself. Most recently the money seemingly fell out of my bag and this somehow made it my fault for leaving a £20 note loose in the bag.

Until recently his father has supported me totally. When his dad tried to throw him out, it was me that said this was not a way to end things. However his dad now seems to think that I am not handling this well and shouldn't go on about it so much. Frankly I've had enough. The fondness I used to feel for my stepson is fast evaporating. I wish he would leave home and let us get on with our lives before our relationship is also ruined.

90% of the time I am very nice to my stepson. I&#...

2011-05-12T23:31:31.626+10:00

I would be happy to be fair and supportive to bio ...

2011-04-04T17:11:45.463+10:00

I would be happy to be fair and supportive to bio mum, if bio mum was sane and acting in any manner resembling normal, but in my case, experience of bio mum was totally dysfunctional and quite alarming.

Soon after I started seeing my partner, his ex-wife faxed my work a 6 page fax, which my State Manager collected off the fax machine first thing in the morning. Being anxious it hadn't faxed, she had sent it 3 times. 18 pages of insanity, addressed to me, that my boss read. She also rang me to 'follow' up, and unleashed a bizarre and frightening character assassination of him and told me I could "have the wedding rings". They had divorced 5 years earlier. I told her calmly, but with a pounding heart, that there was no need to enter into any of this, and all we needed to do was focus on the best interests of their little girl, and what arrangements would work best for her upbringing. There was no emotional content I needed to know about. She was so worked up, it was palpable over the phone, and my State Manager (a woman) actually had to try and help her calm down.

It took 18 months before I was allowed to meet his daughter, because she manipulated the child to be afraid of me, or made her believe that it was a big deal to meet me. Contrary to this, I have worked with my partner to get him financially stable, so his child support is now paid on the day ever week and we are always able to give her expensive gifts and fulfil requests for extra money, whereas before he was not.

My partner also has teenage sons to another woman, who i've had issues with too, despite trying only to better the household and provide a secure environment. I've been accused of "mistreating my boys" by her, been told by one of the sons to "*** off back to where you came from" and called a "sl**" by one of their girlfriends for asking her not to park her car on our lawn. Suffice to say, she doesn't stay at our home any more.

So intense, and I had no experience of this sort of venomous, intense meanness up until this point.

Fortunately, my partner is very supportive and stands by me 100%. Despite this, I can honestly say, the last 18 months has been so challenging, and really required a thick skin and to adjust to a very steep learning curve.

I don't think we should demonise bio mums, or put step mums on a pedastal either. But I do think all parties should make an attempt to act like adults and behave in a civilised way. After all, a step mum is just a woman who has fallen in love with a man who has children. Certainly her choice to be with him means she must take accountability for what that means to some extent but also, don't take all her dreams away from her.

Step mums are just little girls who grew up. They still have dreams of being loved, wanted, valued, and creating a home and a family that they can be proud of. How come they're not allowed to have that?

Great article. Stepfamilies can be immensely compl...

2011-01-25T09:48:44.935+11:00

Great article. Stepfamilies can be immensely complex, complicated and challenging, but so is becoming a neurosurgeon, and those dedicated people get a lot of honor and praise. So should stepparents. It takes a lot of maturity and love to care for children not biologically one's own. Most children throughout history have had stepparents, and many cultures have honored them. Our society needs to get some of that attitude back. Stepfamilies are a gift and blessing to us all most of the time.

It is so important to stay patient. I think the h...

2010-06-02T03:19:32.762+10:00

It is so important to stay patient. I think the hardest part for me is that I didn't have any children of my own, my husband and I plan to have our own someday but having to adjust to a 3yr old stepson was difficult. Add a bipolar mother and you get the picture. The one thing I have learned from this is patience, I used to get upset about every little thing. I feel now I am better at not sweating the small stuff and letting my husband deal with most. I am not the mother and cannot control how the son's parents (my husband and ex-girlfriend) parent him. I can be there to support my husband and my stepson and love them for who they are. Sure times can get tough but at least I know what to expect most days!

Blending families is hard! It's nice to read p...

2010-03-05T13:17:41.734+11:00

Blending families is hard! It's nice to read posts like these where stepparents are able to relax and just be by themselves, enjoy nature's creation. Thank you for your wonderful post. Very encouraging.

Hi Stepmama, thanks for your comment and very best...

2010-03-05T08:55:04.905+11:00

Hi Stepmama, thanks for your comment and very best wishes for a wonderful and relaxing honeymoon! Sonja

All great advice!! I love your ideas and your holi...

2010-03-05T01:06:18.586+11:00

All great advice!! I love your ideas and your holiday sounded amazing! The BF and I are taking our honeymoon in about a month and I cannot wait to relax, lay out on the beach, and enjoy eachother, just the two of us.

Man I wish I had answered those questions before s...

2010-02-26T11:43:51.795+11:00

Man I wish I had answered those questions before selling my house, moving my daughter in with this new "family" and brought our two lives together... I can answer negatively to many questions, if not all of them....

Thank you for your post. You offer very sensible q...

2010-02-23T14:27:09.093+11:00

Thank you for your post. You offer very sensible questions for prospective stepmoms. Blending families is hard and it would take a lot of patience to make things work favorably to everybody. But it does start simply with being able to work out on some of the gray areas in your life as a couple.

Hi Alexandra, Managing the routine is a great fi...

2010-01-22T09:32:35.361+11:00

Hi Alexandra,

Managing the routine is a great first step. The rest will come in time.

Trying to recreate a nuclear family when it's a stepfamily often is what gets people into trouble because it cannot be done. There simply are too many, and very significant, differences between one and the other - which you will discover as you keep on reading the next few installments. Grieving, for instance, is very much part and parcel of the stepfamily - in fact, for every member of a stepfamily - because this family form always involves loss. The details of this will also appear in one of the future blog entries, so I won't go into them now but you may rest assured that this is a very normal component of stepfamily life...and like all grief does get easier as time goes by - provided you understand what it's all about and work at it. Acceptance is the ultimate key to success and to future happiness. Acceptance, however, doesn't happen overnight either, it usually is a process that can rarely be rushed. So, just be patient with YOURSELF, YOUR PARTNER AND YOUR STEPFAMILY, keep on learning all about the dynamics of this type of family and keep on working at it....and, in time, things will get a lot easier and feel far more normal than they do right now.

Best of luck,
Sonja

I have been a stepfamily for 6 months. Although we...

2010-01-21T05:45:06.295+11:00

I have been a stepfamily for 6 months. Although we have managed the routine, the idea of recreating the nuclear family is what is most difficult for me. To me, it is like a grieving process and I find it very difficult to accept that me and my man will never share the bond of parenting the same way he does with his ex.

I'll keep on reading. Hopefully it gets better!

It doesn't matter when Christmas is celebrated...

2009-12-20T09:07:39.750+11:00

It doesn't matter when Christmas is celebrated, just that you did SOMETHING to mark the occasion.

My partner was a bit despondent about not having his five year old daughter for Christmas Day. However on December 23 she had gotten up at 5.30 to discover Santa had already visited. Then we went around to my parents for lunch and then afternoon a tired and grumpy child came for a nap.

That's when realized that I had just given her the exact same Christmas I had at her age.

Chances are that she won't remember when we celebrated Christmas that year, just the feeling of excitement that went with it.

2009-12-20T09:06:16.599+11:00

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Hi Lori, I most certainly do not mind and, in fa...

2009-09-27T09:39:01.425+10:00

Hi Lori,

I most certainly do not mind and, in fact, truly hope that everyone who reads my blog entries takes SOMETHING, ANYTHING away from my own hard-won experiences. Why reinvent the wheel over and over and over?

Best wishe to you and your readers,
Sonja

Hello. After reviewing your site I felt that my re...

2009-09-25T06:56:24.611+10:00

Hello. After reviewing your site I felt that my readers would benefit from your obvious experience as a long time successful stepmom. I hope you do not mind, but I have placed a link on my blog site to yours so that my readers can easily come to your site for guidance.

A warm welcome to Stepmama, La Belle Mere and to a...

2009-08-27T18:07:27.384+10:00

A warm welcome to Stepmama, La Belle Mere and to all you other lovely ladies who have found my site, welcome, welcome, welcome! I am glad you are enjoying the posts and hope that there will be much more for you to enjoy over the weeks and months to come!

I love having you!
Warm regards,
Sonja