StepmotherMATTERS

How To Plan For A Happy 2012

2012-01-28T08:18:00.000+11:00

Most people I know would like the New Year to be better - in one way or another - than the year that’s gone. Some just hope fervently that fate might make it so. Others cross its threshold filled with a whole heap of New Year’s resolutions that, in most cases, are forgotten or discarded by mid-January. Yet others invest some time in thinking and planning as to how they would like things to be different in the year/s to come.

Having taken myself through this process throughout many years in the past, I have discovered that it’s a great tool that helps me feel more in control of my life and a sure-fire way to create the changes I want.

At the end of each year I ask myself three simple questions:

1. Where am I headed?

2. What do I want to achieve?

3. What do I need to do in order to achieve what I want?

In the hope that you might use this simple tool to make your stepfamily journey a more joyful and satisfying one - or for whatever other changes you may wish to make in your life - I’ll give you some basic examples.

I. The first question you need to ask yourself is - where am I headed?

My guess is that your answer would be something like:

* Into a first (or second) marriage or live-in relationship with a partner who has children from a former marriage or relationship.

* Into the role of second wife with (or without) children of my own.

* Into the role of part-time or full-time step-parent.

II. Your second question needs to be - what do I want to achieve?

Your answers to this question may be many and varied. My guess is that some of them would be:

(a) A better relationship with my step children

(b) Greater support from my partner

(c ) Less antagonism with my partner’s ex

III. Your third question needs to be – what do I need to do to achieve this, or in other words: What does this require of me?

This is a tough question as it places the responsibility for change squarely on YOUR shoulders. Does this mean that you let everyone else off the hook? No way! It does mean, however, that you recognise and accept that the only thing over which you have complete control in your life is your own attitude and behaviour.

To give you an idea of how this can work for you, I’ve chosen a few possible answers relating to question II.

( a) A better relationship with my stepchildren may require:

* Showing greater acceptance, understanding and compassion.

* Giving the children more time to adjust to their new circumstances.

* Letting go of my pre-conceived ideas and expectations.

I imagine that right now you are thinking: Doing that will require that my stepchildren show greater acceptance and better behaviour towards me. Yes, I agree that this would help a great deal but I also know that you have no power to ‘make’ this happen and therefore need to focus on what YOU CAN DO, rather than on what THEY MIGHT DO.

(b) To obtain greater support from my partner requires that I:

* Have a clear idea of exactly what kind of support I am looking for. This may involve:

Writing a list of my needs and deciding which of these needs can be met by me, by other relatives or friends and which of them realistically can (and ideally should) be met by my partner.

* Tell my partner clearly what I need from him. This involves:

Getting my timing right.
Choosing words that don’t put my partner on the defense.
No judgments, recriminations or threats.
No emotional outbursts.

* Ask my partner what type of support s/he needs from me. This involves:

Being willing to hear his truth and being open to his needs.
Exploring with my partner which of his needs can realistically be met by me.
Making a commitment to meeting my partner’s needs

(c) What does having less antagonism with my partner’s ex require of me?

* Could it require that I express more goodwill?

* Could it require that I try to meet her halfway?

* Might I need to let go of judgments, anger or feelings of hatred towards her?

Again, I can hear you moan: But she is impossible. It doesn’t matter what I do, she’s long ago decided that I am ‘the enemy’ and nothing seems to make any difference. It's her who needs to change, not me!!!

True, true….I agree!...but I also know that, more often than not, this is not likely to happen…well, certainly not in a hurry. So, in the meantime, in order to make your own life more satisfying, YOU need to do what YOU can, to make the best out of a difficult situation. If you’ve already done all you can, perhaps the answer to your question needs to be:

* I need to let go of the expectation that she will ever accept, appreciate or like me.

* I need to accept the way things are even though they are far from the way I’d like them to be.

I also know that this is much easier said than done! Remember, I’ve been in these situation myself and I can tell you that, although not easy, it is possible.

I hope that this process will give you some food for thought and that it might encourage you to take a little time to ask questions of yourself that only you can answer, that you will have the courage to answer them honestly and that you will work on putting your answers into practice.

Good luck!

Sonja

9 Best Movies For Step Families

2012-01-16T19:24:00.002+11:00

In movies, stepparents consistently get a bad rap. When it comes to portrayals of step families, families where one or both of the adult partners bring children from a previous relationship into the family, most mainstream movies perpetuate old and tired stereotypes: Stepmom is unstable, if not downright evil, and stepdad is a lecherous psychotic. Movies with positive images of stepparents and their children are hard to find, even in our culture where blended families are very common. Below are nine films with positive portrayals of step family life appropriate for a variety of age groups for your consideration.
To access this information, please click here.

Blending Your Families Video

2012-01-09T09:06:00.003+11:00

THE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS - Part 3

2011-12-20T23:37:00.000+11:00

FROM STRESS TO STILLNESS:

**STRESS** Is anyone not familiar with stress? I imagine that there isn’t a single one of you who hasn’t been entangled by its insidious tentacles more often than you’d care to remember. I have!!! And I know from personal experience that Christmas can be a most extraordinarily stressful time. I also know that stress is responsible for many of the ailments we suffer. It can cause migraine headaches, back problems, skin rashes, irritable bowel, ulcers, heart conditions, nervous breakdowns and even cancer. So, what’s the remedy?

**STILLNESS** As stress and stillness cannot dwell in the same body at the same time, a powerful healing tool is learning the art of stillness. This means that we allow our mind to slow down, our emotions to balance, our bodies to rest. We can achieve this by practicing meditation. Meditation can be practiced in many different ways and the only suggestion I have as to what type of meditation is right for you is that it is in line with your belief system. Meditation at Christmas time can be as simple as lighting a lovely scented candle, putting on some soft and soothing music and dwelling on whatever the meaning of Christmas is for you.

FROM TENSION TO TOLERANCE

** TENSION** usually is a by-product of stress. It can make us cranky, knot up our stomachs, cramp up our shoulders and send everyone (including the dog) looking for cover when we are around. Not a happy thought – right? So, what is the antidote?

**TOLERANCE** is a virtue that doesn’t seem all that easy to come by, especially for those of us who are fairly rigid in our views, are perfectionists and have high expectations of ourselves and others. For the survival of step-parenthood, however, tolerance is an absolute MUST. Tolerance can be learnt. The steps towards greater tolerance are:

* Lower your expectations (those you have of yourself and those you have of others).

* Recognize that different people function by different standards and that this does not make them wrong and you right, or vice versa.

* Drop any desire you may have to judge other’s thoughts and/or behaviours (even if you are convinced that they ARE wrong).

* Develop an attitude of curiosity. Try to find out why people think and act the way they do.

* * Remember that you don’t have to prove anything to anyone.

* Let go and relax!!!

FROM MISERY TO happy MEMORIES:

**MISERY** is a state that many stepparents find themselves in at this time of year. Some may be miserable because they find themselves in circumstances beyond their control. For instance, they may be unable to spend time with their children…or be unable to afford the kind of presents they would ideally like to give…or they are locked in battle with their ex…or they are reminded of happy or perhaps unhappy times of the past etc.

**MEMORIES** One of the most important tasks we have as stepparents is to create memories with our new family members. Good memories can be the glue that holds people together. Christmas is a good opportunity for creating new and happy memories. When planning how to go about creating new memories it is important to remember that this does not require erasing old ones. Stepchildren need to know we respect whatever their old memories are and that they have every right to treasure them, just as we have a right to treasure ours. Making new memories can be great fun!!! A few ideas are as follows:

* You could combine some of your cherished traditions with those that are meaningful to your stepchildren.

* You could create a brand-new tradition that, in time, will be your new family’s trade-mark.

* You could do unexpected things like spend Christmas at the beach, go skiing, tobogganing, ice skating or make a snow-man. Just be sure that whatever you plan isn’t something anyone in your family hates.

FROM ANNOYANCE TO ACCEPTANCE:

**ANNOYANCE** is that uncomfortable feeling that makes us edgy, short-tempered and causes us to snap at people. In a stepfamily, Christmas with its multitude of complexities and its variety of stresses can be a source of great annoyance. We might feel annoyed with our exes, our partner’s exes, the out-laws (ooops, I meant to say in-laws), the stepchildren and even with our current partners. As though that wasn’t bad enough, we can even be annoyed with ourselves.

**ACCEPTANCE** is the perfect antidote for annoyance! How can we make acceptance work for us at Christmas? Well, firstly we need to accept that it may not turn out to be the kind of Christmas we are used to or we would ideally like it to be. Secondly we need to accept that if we haven’t been getting along with our partner’s ex, with our step-kids, the in-laws etc we are not likely to change that during the Christmas period. We must accept that Christmas will bring a variety of stresses that we need to handle even if that’s the last thing in the world we feel like doing. We have to accept that our partners will probably go along with whatever they believe is right and important for their children at this time of year and this may make us feel unsupported and left out. We need to accept that, whilst we might feel like abandoned children on the inside, we need to act like the adults we are, on the outside. Last, but not least, its important to accept that Christmas Day isn’t a good time to discuss issues of conflict. Put them off until the festivities are over!!!

FROM SADNESS TO SERENITY:

**SADNESS** may be the feeling we experience at Christmas if we realize that not many of the changes we’d hoped for have occurred throughout this year. It may be what we feel if we cannot have our own children around, yet are entertaining our partner’s. It could be our predominant sensation if we are remembering loved ones that may have passed away or cannot be with us for whatever reason on that day.

**SERENITY** is a wonderful state of being which is usually only achieved once we have learnt to be tolerant and have cultivated the art of acceptance as well as the ability to be still in the midst of a storm.
As you all know, as we travel the stepfamily journey we come across many hurdles, potholes and rough spots. These can make us fall and get hurt in the process. They can, however, also help us become wise and strong. Serenity is the wonderful state we achieve once we know that hurdles are no more than lumps in the road that we can step over; that potholes are there to be circumnavigated; and that the way we move through the rough spots will show us how far we’ve already come. SERENITY IS THE GIFT YOU RECEIVE WHEN YOU’VE COME TO A PLACE OF PEACE WITH YOUR SITUATION.

I trust that this Christmas you’ll be able to make the journey from the first acronym to the second.

May it be a wonderful, joyful and peaceful time for each one of you.

My Best,

Sonja

THE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS - Part 2

2011-12-10T16:02:00.000+11:00

FROM HOSTILITY TO HOPE:

**HOSTILITY** Christmas, traditionally a time of family connectedness, can unfortunately also be the very time that reminds our partners, our exes, the children and perhaps even us of Christmases past. These memories may resurface a sense of guilt, grief and loss which can easily turn into hostility. As this increases the likelihood of spoiling a day that should ideally be spent in an atmosphere of peace, happiness and joy, we should guard against this at all costs. If you have the misfortune of having to deal with a hostile ex-partner or hostile step/children, recognize that their hostility is rooted in deep feelings of hurt and find it in your heart to be as gracious as possible on this occasion.

**HOPE** can be a good antidote for hostility. Hope helps us remember that all things change and even the most deeply-felt emotions will diminish over time. Hope gives us the strength to leave the past behind and focus on the challenges of the present whilst also keeping an eye on the future. It helps us to overlook things that aren’t worth fighting or suffering for. It enables us to hold on to our ideals, our visions and plans for a stepfamily life marked by success and joy. It can help us let hostile comments pass, overlook insensitivities and be generous with our affection even when we find ourselves face-to-face with the resentment of others.

FROM RESENTMENT TO REACHING OUT:

**RESENTMENT** is the festering, cancer-like emotion that is familiar to all of us and could easily spoil Christmas if we allowed it to enter our hearts. Resentment can arise as a result of feeling railroaded, trodden on, taken advantage of, not being accepted or appreciated for who we are or what we do. Sometimes it is not the resentment WE might feel that affects our Christmas spirit, but the resentment that is directed at us. It could be our ex, our partner’s ex , our stepchildren, and at times even our partner whose resentment might be the problem. Resentment is a ‘toughie’ that’s difficult to overcome. So, what helps?

**REACHING OUT** Yep, I know that can be a tall order. After all, who feels like reaching out to someone by whom we feel taken advantage of or trodden on? No-one, I am sure. But sometimes it’s really important that we do not follow our feelings but instead make some tough decisions and choices and follow those instead. If we decided to reach out to those this Christmas whom we resent and/or to those whom we know resent us, what would the outcome be? I don’t know the answer to that question, but why not try and see for yourself?! What do you have to lose? Nothing, right? What do you have to gain? A happy Christmas Day, for one thing. Feeling really good about yourself, for another. And if you are lucky, your new attitude may even diffuse the dynamite that’s been smoldering between you and whomever!!!!!

FROM IRRITATION TO INSPIRATION:

**IRRITATION** It isn’t not unusual around this time of year to be plagued by a sense of irritation and, although being irritated is often the byproduct of having to deal with people we’d rather not have to deal with, one certainly doesn’t have to be a stepparent to feel this way. I often get irritated by the fact that the shops are overcrowded, that it’s virtually impossible to get a parking spot or a shop assistant’s attention. I get irritated by the fact that schools break up far too early, that school functions, business functions and another two thirds of the functions one could easily spread throughout the rest of the year all seem to be squashed into the month of December and that every year Christmas just tends to sneak up on me.

**INSPIRATION** Why not allow inspiration to replace irritation? When inspired we begin to think outside the square we live in. If we loath shopping malls at Christmas time, we could perhaps do our Christmas shopping throughout the year. If we don’t believe in running with the materialistic crowd, we could perhaps 'handmake' the presents we want to give our loved ones this year. I guess there isn’t a great deal one can do about school functions and the like, but we can certainly say “no” to the multitude of social functions that come our way at this time of year. This helps take at least some of the pressure off Christmas.

Be sure to return for the continuation of this article next week.

THE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS

2011-12-05T20:33:00.001+11:00

As I was ferreting around my attic for our trusty old Christmas decorations, diving into dusty boxes in order to unearth the baubles and tinsel that I had carefully packed away last January I wondered whether I really wanted to go through all the trouble of putting up our Christmas tree….yet again. That may seem a strange consideration to some of you, but when you've done it for as long as I have you too might get a little weary of this annual process. This year, like every other, I find myself on my own as I struggle with the tree's unwieldy branches, the strings of light that never blink when I test them out, but miraculously begin to do just that (which I absolutely hate!!) as soon as I've strung them on the tree; the intricate gold chains that are hopelessly tangled and will take hours to pick apart….oh, blast!!!!

The boys are grown up now and I am extremely busy. And to top it all off, today I’m tired, cranky and as always, pressed for time. So, why bother? Good question!! Answer (after some consideration):

* I do it because some years ago my husband, in his wisdom, suggested that Christmas just wouldn’t be Christmas without it all. And considering the fact that many years ago I had to absolutely insist on instituting ANY traditions in our home which he had no interest in at the time, whilst I knew that this would be important for our children - 2 of whom my stepchildren - I should pat myself on the back for ‘a job well done’.

* I do it because the truth is that Christmas really wouldn’t be Christmas without all our traditions. And so I continue on decorating our home, putting up our tree and baking the Austrian cookies that present me with such a challenge every year because they don’t like Aussie Christmas temperatures…and as a matter of fact neither do I, especially when in the kitchen.

Anyhow, to stop rambling, as I was digging around my attic for the familiar Christmas treasures I began to think about the different meaning Christmas might spell to different people and it occurred to me that many stepparents would relate to the following acronym:

C - CHAOS

H - HOSTILITY

R - RESENTMENT

I - IRRITATION

S - STRESS

T - TENSION

M - MISERY

A - ANNOYANCE

S - SADNESS

This was certainly true for my first few Christmases after becoming a stepmother. In fact, I cried buckets of tears for the first 6 or 7 years. And from my dealings with blended families I know that this is equally true for many others. But I ask you, does anyone like to feel this way???? I don’t think so. Let me give you some ideas that can help you change the above meaning of Christmas to the following one:

C - CALM

H – HOPE

R – REACHING OUT

I – INSPIRATION

S – STILLNESS

T – TOLERANCE

M – MEMORIES

A – ACCEPTANCE

S – SERENITY

FROM CHAOS TO CALM:

**CHAOS**, as we all know, is a state of confusion, turmoil and disarray. Christmas may cause an internal as well as an external state of chaos if we are unprepared for the variety of challenges that we may have to face at this time of year and that can turn Christmas into a nightmare. Just to name a few such challenges: Perhaps our well-laid Christmas plans are rattled by a biological parent’s last minute changes…. or by children who decide that they’d rather be with their other parent than with us…..or by the ex calling every five minutes to see how the kids are doing…. or by the fact that ‘daddy dearest’ spends all OUR savings on presents for the kids that we cannot afford….or by the expectations that our stepchildren need to be in 5 places at once on Christmas day….or that we’ve tried so hard to please everyone and no-one seems to be happy…or that we are all worn out and totally exhausted by the strain and stress of it all.

**CALM** the opposite of chaos, can best be achieved by having a plan, a contingency plan and yet another contingency plan. Being thus prepared can be a sanity saver at Christmas. What a lovely feeling if we can just shrug our shoulders when the partner’s ex throws unexpected changes at us, when we can grin at his or her puzzlement at our nonchalant response to whatever challenges come our way. A few handy hints to arrive at this state:

* Don’t fall into the trap of having fixed ideas about the way Christmas SHOULD BE.

* Be flexible before, especially during and even after the big C Day.

* Make Christmas a special time for your step/children, even if that should mean it won’t be what you would like it to be or may be used to.

* Any time you notice tension creeping into your shoulders, breathe deeply 2,3,4,5 times (just don’t hyperventilate!!!)

* Hang loose!

To be continued next week.

DISCIPLINE is not a dirty word, after all!

2011-11-15T18:28:00.002+11:00

B COMMUNICATE RULES AND CONSEQUENCES TO YOUR (STEP) CHILDREN:

As it is important to explain the rules at a time when you can be assured of your (step)children’s full attention, it would be a good idea to call a family meeting for that purpose. Be sure to keep the meeting light and that you have a few fun things on your agenda also. Spelling out the rules and consequences you need to bear the children’s ages in mind and ensure that they understand.

Having explained the rules and consequences the biological parent can let his/her children know that you have his/her permission to take matters into your hands if a rule is broken in their absence. If the child/ren consider this to be unfair or unreasonable it might help to point out that it is them who hold the power. After all, they do have a choice in the matter and if they choose to break the rules, they will have to accept the consequences.

Points to remember about communicating rules and consequences:

* All family members should to be present
* They need be explained in a way that children of different ages can clearly understand them
* They need to be presented in a way that (step)children understand their own choice in the matter.

C ENFORCE CONSEQUENCES:

To help children grow into responsible adults they need to know that every action has a reaction and every behaviour has a consequence of some type.

Using the law of consequences to both your (step)child's and your own benefit, they need to be enforced in a kind, respectful and matter of fact way.

Points to remember about enforcing consequences:

CONSEQUENCES NEED TO BE ENFORCED:

* Consistently
* Patiently
* Kindly
* Respectfully

AND SHOULD NEVER BE ACCOMPANIED BY:

* The use of bad language
* Name-calling
* Yelling and screaming
* Ranting and raving
* Any type of violence

Please understand that I am fully aware how difficult the above is to implement even with one’s own children, how much more so with one’s stepchildren. I also know that attempting to discipline a child who only spends time with you every other weekend can feel wrong, inappropriate and simply too hard. This can be especially so if you know that after the weekend they will return to a home in which they experience no discipline at all. It is equally hard if your partner sees him-or herself as Disneyland Dad or Mum (who spoils the kids rotten)and is virtually impossible if your partner doesn’t agree with you on that score. An additional difficulty is faced by those step-parents whose stepchildren suffer from ADHD or some other “hidden handicap”.

Whilst it is never easy to stand your ground when it comes to discipline, it can be a lot easier if you remember that you are doing a vitally important job that will not only contribute to your (step)child’s future success and happiness but will also have a significant impact on the relationship you and your (step)child will have once they are adults.

DISCIPLINE - Is It A Dirty Word?

2011-11-02T20:41:00.000+11:00

Let's be quite clear that in stepfamilies the issue of discipline can be an extremely difficult one and therefore can cause a lot of confusion and anxiety. I cannot tell you how often I hear from disgruntled re-partnered mums and dads about their partner - "s/he is sooooooo tough on MY kids but when it comes doing anything about his/her own, s/he just turns to jelly and lets them get away with murder".

The reality is that we all have a deeper understanding and a closer connection with our own children than with someone else's. For instance: You may feel sorry for Jason (own child) when he says that he can't take the garbage out because he's got a splitting headache, but suspect Tom (partner's child) of just being lazy and lying when he uses a similar excuse. You might let Sally (own child) get away with temper tantrums thinking, 'poor thing, she's just upset about something' whilst feeling enraged about Karen’s (partner's daughter) rudeness when she forgets to say "thank you" for something you may have done for her.

Is this fair? No, but it's really rather normal. Does the fact that it's quite normal make it right? No, it doesn't....and that is one of the reasons it is imperative to understand the meaning of discipline. Having understood the true meaning and purpose of discipline it is easier to apply the same rules to both bio-and stepchildren.

In my book to discipline means to teach, demonstrate, lead, guide and encourage children towards being emotionally whole, loving and caring individuals. Yes, disciplining a child, or anyone for that matter, also means letting them experience the negative consequences of their inappropriate action. I am not suggesting that this is easy. It requires determination, commitment and perseverance. It requires patience, your partner's support and an unwavering faith that what you sow today, you will reap in the future.

Points to remember about discipline:

DISCIPLINE -
* Is a teaching and guiding process.
* Provides a child with a sense of safety and security.
* Shows a child that you care.
* Engenders responsibility and self-control.

So, to discipline means to take your responsibility as a (step)parent seriously and to take the trouble to do what it takes to help tem grow into responsible and capable adults.

STEPS TOWARD EFFECTIVE DISCIPLINE:

A. Establish rules and consequences
B. Communicate these rules and consequences to your (step)children
C. Enforce the rules through the use of consequences

Now, lets have a closer look at these steps:

A. ESTABLISH RULES AND CONSEQUENCES:

How do you feel when you find yourself in a situation in which you do not understand the rules or expectations? Not terrific, right? You may not know how to behave, feel out of place, feel insecure, worried about 'doing the wrong thing'. Well, your stepchildren will feel the same way unless you and your partner let them know the rules in your home and enlighten them on the expectations you have of them.

Before you can communicate rules, however, you need to be clear on what they should be. This makes it essential to make time with your partner to work out what it is that's important to both of you. In that process you may find that you differ in your opinions. Should that be the case, now is a good time to work this out between you. You can only provide a united front (an essential component in step-parenting) if you've talked about, agreed, or at least compromised on these issues.

Discipline should be designed to set your (step)child up for success, not for failure. This makes it really important to decide on rules that can be readily obeyed, aren't too stringent, aren't too many in number and, above all, are appropriate to the child's age.

Points to remember about rules:

RULES -
* Create order and predictability.
* Are extremely important as they provide your (step)children with structure and emotional safety.
* Prepare children (step-and bio) for the world beyond your front door.
* Need to be age-appropriate, achievable and be kept to a minimum.
* Should be explained kindly, simply and clearly.

As well as being in agreement on the rules that govern your home, you also need to agree about suitable consequences should these rules be broken.

Consequences need to be easily understood by your (step)children. They need to be appropriate to the child’s age, should be fair and applicable to the individual. A useful negative consequence can be the removal of a child’s privilege, such as watching TV, staying at a friend’s house or the cancellation of a special outing. The older the child the more important it is to link the consequence to the broken rule. For instance, a negative consequence for an adolescent who has abused his or her curfew time, could be the requirement to spend the next night, he or she had planned to go out, at home.

Points to remember about consequences:

CONSEQUENCES -
* Need to be age-appropriate.
* Should be as closely linked to the child's misdemeanor as possible.
* Should be applied as immediately after the rule is broken as possible.
* Should never be unreasonable or unduly harsh.

Blending Your Families Successfully

2011-10-26T20:25:00.000+11:00

Remarriage may cause refocus of finances

2011-10-13T11:16:00.001+11:00

I recently discovered this article and thought that it would be of interest, so have taken the liberty to post it. Important food for thought!

If you’re planning to get remarried, you have plenty of company: More than 40% of all U.S. weddings are second marriages for at least one of the participants, according to an estimate by the National Stepfamily Resource Center.

Naturally, a second marriage will bring many changes to your life, not the least of which may be changes in your financial strategy and goals.

In fact, your remarriage should cause you to take a close look at these areas:

• Past financial obligations - Before even discussing your investments, you and your new spouse should decide how to handle past financial obligations such as child support, alimony and debts. Consider temporarily managing three accounts – his, hers and ours – to keep track of these various payments.

• Retirement accounts - You and your new spouse may want to examine your respective retirement accounts, such as your 401(k)s and individual retirement accounts (IRAs), to determine if there are areas of duplication you may wish to avoid. If you both have the same types of investments, you may be more susceptible to downturns which primarily affect one industry or economic sector. By diversifying your holdings, you can reduce the effects of volatility on your portfolios. Keep in mind, though, diversification cannot guarantee a profit or protect against loss.

• Insurance - Evaluate your medical insurance plans to decide which policy is more economical and comprehensive for you, your spouse and any dependents. You may also want to review disability insurance to ensure appropriate coverage is in place. Also, review life insurance policies and update beneficiaries and coverage.

To read the rest of this article, click here.

Maturity Puts You In Control Of Your Life

2011-10-04T12:04:00.001+11:00

MATURITY - the last piece of the puzzle - HELPS YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE IN CONTROL OFYOUR LIFE

People so often feel totally out of control - unable tochange their circumstances, situations,habits, life patterns, misfortunes, addictions etc. To some degree, of course,it is true that we are out of control – no-one has control over the fact thatthey are born or the reality that they will die. No-one can control what otherswill or won’t do and this may indeed have influence on their life decisions orimpact their quality of life - after all, no-one is an island!!

Maturity and consequential freedom from the anguish ofconstantly feeling out of control (which is an aguish shared by almost allstep-parents) comes from the recognition that it is never the circumstance, butthe way you respond to the circumstance that gives you control over your life.Victor Frankl was a most extraordinary human being who spent many years in aconcentration camp. Although robbed of his home, his financial security, hisstatus as well-known psychiatrist, his health and the lives of almost all ofhis family members (experiences that nearly succeeded in destroying him) hediscovered that: ‘EVERYTHING CAN BE TAKEN AWAY FROM A MAN BUT ONE THING: THELAST OF HUMAN FREEDOMS – TO CHOOSE ONE’S ATTITUDE IN ANY GIVEN SET OFCIRCUMSTANCE, TO CHOOSE ONE’S OWN WAY’.

For you, the step-parent, this means:

*You can allow yourself to hate every minute of yourexperience, or you can choose to discover, enjoy and celebrate its positives.

*You can decide to’ throw in the towel’ when the going getstough, or you can choose to become tough and determine to keep going.

* You can choose to hate your own or your partner’s ‘ex’ ifhe/she makes your life a misery, or you can choose not to be threatened by himor her and to respond to them with mercy and grace.

*You can choose to respond to your stepchildren’sdisrespectful and hurtful behaviour in kind, or you can choose to show them adifferent way of being.

*You can choose to waste many precious years of your life(which you’ll never be able to recapture) by being angry with fate,circumstances or people, or you can choose to open yourself to changing,learning and becoming the best YOU that you can BE.

Whilst I know from my own experience and the experiences ofeach client I have the pleasure and honour to accompany on part of their life’sjourney, maturity isn’t so easy to come by, I trust that this post, and infact each of my posts serves to help you towards living your life moreconsciously, finding more fulfillment, peace, passion, gratitude and joy.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT:

**WHAT IS LIFE?**

Life is a gift – accept it!

Life is an adventure – dare it!

Life is a mystery – unfold it!

Life is a game – play it!

Life is a puzzle – solve it!

Life is a struggle – face it!

Life is beauty – praise it!

Life is sorrowful – experience it!

Life is opportunity – take it!

Life is a goal – achieve it!

Life is a song – sing it!

Life is a mission – fulfill it!

(Author David McNally)

Maturity - The Stepparent's Winning Formula

2011-09-26T10:24:00.000+10:00

MATURITY = DEPENDABILITY

Dependability is a very important issue. It determineswhether you are trustworthy (or not) and therefore has a huge impact on eachone of your relationships.

Dependability for you, the step-parent, means:

* Taking the responsibility you’ve accepted by moving intothe stepfamily experience seriously.

* Keeping your word whether you feel like it or not.

* Being there for each member of your stepfamily no matterhow difficult it may be (and being gracious about it).

* Frequently doing things you don’t particularly like doing.

* Making sacrifices that you hadn’t anticipated.

*Remembering your promise ‘for better or worse, for richeror poorer, in sickness and in health’…..

MATURITY IS THE ART OF LIVING IN PEACE WITH THAT WHICHCANNOT BE CHANGED

Stepfamily living requires that you become very artful atthis, as there are multitudes of things which cannot be changed. Railingagainst these things brings no more than permanent frustration, feeling out ofcontrol, feeling victimized, blown about by circumstance, at the mercy ofothers, unhappy and frequently discontent.

For you, the step-parent, this means:

*Discovering the things that you can and the things that youcannot change in your situation.

*Developing the ability to know the difference.

*Letting go of the things you cannot change.

*Developing the ability to separate your feelings from otherpeople’s actions.

*Developing the gift of flexibility.

*Trusting that things will work out in the end, even if youare not in control of them.

MATURITY IS ACCEPTING YOURSELF

Self-acceptance is a very important stepping stone on thepath to maturity. The reality is that unless you accept yourself (warts andall) there is no way you can possibly accept anyone else.

Self-acceptance for you, the step-parent, means:

*The need to open your eyes to your strengths as well asyour weaknesses.

*To discover your beauty as well as your inner areas ofdarkness.

*To know that you cannot be all things to all people.

*To accept that you won’t get it right all the time nomatter how hard you try and that this doesn’t mean that you are a failure ormake you worth less than anyone else.

*Rather than beating yourself up about the things youdislike about yourself you become open to discovery, learning and change.

*That all the power you will ever need already resideswithin you.

Maturity And Stepfamily Success - Part 2

2011-09-14T14:31:00.000+10:00

Today I am going to further expand on the topic of maturity and stepfamily success. Although maturity is just one of the building blocks that's helpful in achieving success in the stepfamily department, it is a very important one. Please read on:

MATURITY IS THE CAPACITY TO FACE UNPLEASANTNESS ANDFRUSTRATION

I don’t know any step-parent who hasn’t had his or her shareof that. Unpleasantness often is the “ex’s” second name – his/her first nameusually cannot be mentioned in public! And doesn’t that cause the most incredible frustration? Some of thestep-folk I assist complain how they begin every day with the best of intentions,but the moment they have to deal with their own, and even more often, theirpartner’s “ex” all goodwill just flies out of the window and they are lefthopping mad, climbing the walls, grinding their teeth, seething with fury…and often with good reason.

The capacity to face unpleasantness and frustration for YOU,the step-parent, means:

* The recognition that living with children who have abiological mother or father living in another household or in memory is boundto cause difficulties.

* The determination not to take your partner’s “ex’s” anger,hatred, spite, jealousy etc. personally.

* The resolve not to be put out or pushed into retaliationmode by your stepchildren’s behaviour.

* That you can never replace the step-child’s biologicalparent no matter how much you may wish to or how hard you may try.

* Understanding that your fantasy (nuclear) image of a familyconsisting of mum, dad, 2 kids and a dog cannot ever come to pass if he has 3kids, you have one and a new baby is on the way.

MATURITY IS THE ABILITY TO CONTROL ANGER AND SETTLEDIFFERENCES

No, it doesn’t mean that you can’t ever be annoyed, have adifferent opinion from your mate or get angry. What is required, however, is that you need to deal with youranger in a constructive fashion, that you don’t withdraw, pout for days, play‘no speakies’, turn into an ‘ice queen’ or that you get violent and/or destructive.

For you, the step-parent, this means:

*Being aware of the things that cause your angry feelings.

*Recognizing that whilst your anger is usually triggered by another person, it is in your controland therefore it is your responsibility how you respond.

* Being willing to deal with your anger in a constructivefashion.

*Talking the anger issues through with either: the 'offender',your partner, a trusted and wise friend and/or a therapist.

* Learning (and diligently practicing) conflict resolutionskills.

* Developing tolerance.

*Recognizing that you are not always right and developingthe ability to say “I am sorry”.

MATURITY IS THE ABILITY TO MAKE A DECISION AND STAND BYIT

Stepparents have made a most important decision - to becomea significant person in the lives of a number of people. It’s essential toremember that this decision will have lasting consequences not only in yourown life, but also in the lives of all the members of your stepfamily.

For you, the step-parent, this means:

* Remembering that it was YOUR decision to say “I do”,especially at those times when it feels like it has been a bad decision.

* Hanging in there when the going gets tough.

* Recalling at those tough times why you’ve made that choicein the first place e.g. “I married Jim because I love him”.

* Recommitting yourself to doing whatever it takes to makeyour family situation work e.g. taking a stepfamily or couples’ relationshipcourse, learning about child development and/or child raising issues, informingyourself about stepfamily challenges and issues, utilizing a counsellingservice etc.

Recognizing that nothing that is worthwhile and of lastingvalue comes without a price.

Stay tuned for the next maturity in stepfamilies instalment next week.

Maturity And Stepfamily Success

2011-09-06T08:42:00.000+10:00

Although I have covered the topic of maturity in a number of different contexts, one of the most important articles I wrote on that subject is to do with building a happy and sustainable stepfamily. As I truly believe in the importance of that message, I've decided to share it with you here in the hope that it will be meaningful and helpful to you.

Thinking about my dad, who recently lost his battle withcancer, caused me to recall some of the memories I have of him. My earliestmemories are of play boxing with a father I adored - who was bigger than life, could do no wrong,was my hero and as permanent a fixture in my young life as the trusty old stovethat kept me warm in winter. When I became a little older, however, I realizedthat all was not as well in my home as I had believed. I suddenly noticed dad’simpatience that had all three of us children jumping to please, his quicktemper that frequently flared (not usually with me) but often with my olderbrother. I became aware of the fact that dad’s presence at our dinner tablebecame rarer and rarer and that the weekends we had spent doing fun things as afamily in the past were now empty with dad nowhere to be seen. I guess itdidn’t come as a big surprise when my mother told me that she and dad wereabout to divorce. Of course there were many reasons for which my parents madethis decision, none of which I understood as the ten year old I was at thetime. What I did understand, however, was that my wonderful family of 6 wassuddenly reduced to a lonely home consisting of 2 (grandma and me). All otherfamily members quickly dispersed into various directions, no doubt fleeingtheir confusion and pain. Many years passed, years during which my dadremarried and my mother re-discovered her identity as a single woman. For methese years brought much heartache, confusion, loss of predictability andsecurity and many wrong choices made in a attempt to regain the love I felt Ihad lost. When I was 25 (or thereabouts) my parents decided to get back togetherand, although their subsequent journey wasn’t a bed of roses either, theymanaged to create a pretty happy life together. Dad devoted the rest of his years here on earthto ‘making up’ for lost time, he became an excellent husband and a model parent.

Why am I telling you this story? Because what I came torealize over the years was that what made the difference between mum and dad’searly years (their battles, unhappiness and divorce) and their laterre-marriage and subsequent happiness (which brought happiness not just to thetwo of them but to the entire family) was their level of MATURITY. In theiryounger years they were fairly immature, focused mostly on their personalhappiness – THEIR needs and desires, THEIR painful feelings and pride. Afterall the years of separation with its accompanying hardships, heartache and thedevastation of our family, however, they felt ready to do things differently. Not that it came so much easier thesecond time round, but they had learnt that successful relationships require acertain amount of sacrifice which they were now willing to make. Maturity, ofcourse, isn’t born into us, it isn’t usually acquired in our younger years,isn’t something we are given as a birthday gift, nor can it be bought – BUT isessential to happy satisfying relationships. For second-time-roundrelationships (as in step-relationships) it is of particular importance andwill be the ultimate determinant of whether we will ‘make it’ (or not). It’swith that in mind that I’ve chosen the issue of maturity for today’stopic.

MATURITY is expressed through PATIENCE

Patience is the willingness to pass up immediate pleasure infavour of long-term gain. It is said that patience is a virtue. Well, itcertainly doesn’t come easily to the majority of people. I know because I am anactive member of that majority and it’s taken a long time for me to acquire it.

Patience for YOU, the step-parent, means:

* Recognition of the need to move slowly and gentlyinto the lives of your stepchildren.

* The realization that stepchildren may need to go through agrieving period before they can accept the new family situation.

* Not to rush or manipulate your stepchildren intodemonstrations of affection.

* Understanding that your step-kids won’t respond kindly toattempts at discipline until you have earned the right which cannot happenuntil you’ve gained their trust.

* Understanding how difficult it is for your partner to be‘piggy in the middle’ and not to push him or her into taking sides.

* Recognition and graceful acceptance that it usually takesa long time for stepfamilies before they can live together in relative harmony.

Stay tuned as over the next few weeks I'll explore many other virtues that come with maturity and that are critical to building a happy, sustainable and rewarding stepfamily.

The Kids’ Mother...aka The Ex...

2011-08-22T13:53:00.000+10:00

A stepmum recently asked whether I might allow her to place some of her posts on my site. As I love this stepmom's positive approach to her role, and believe that she has something truly worthwhile to share, I was more than happy to comply and trust that YOU will enjoy Christy's post as much as I have.

Your guy's relationship with his ex-wife will either be o.k. or it won't! My husband and his ex-wife have had their ups and downs but time is healing things. I have now been in this family for over 5 years and can tell you that it's become a lot smoother than it used to be. This is probably one of the trickiest areas of StepMomdom - how to relate to the kids' mother. Here's the deal! You will never replace her and why would you want to? Don't want that for yourself, don't even try! Heck put the shoe on the other foot. You birthed these babies and so, o.k., things didn't work out too well between you and their father. And as a result now, for part of the time, some other woman whom you do not know and whom you did not choose, is partially in charge of tending to your children ... how scary is that?

Because I was a child of divorce and have stepparents myself, I knew from personal experience that it was very important to these kids that I never ‘bash’ their mother. First of all it's like bringing a knife to a gunfight ... you just ain't gonna win! Second, they already had to deal with the stress of a divorce and now they have to face with an unknown entity ... a potential StepMom. Do they really need the added complication of StepMom setting up against their mother? I think not, most especially if their mother and father don't always get along (and in our case they didn't). Give em' a break already!

I'm not sure how the kids' mother felt at first about me coming along. The kids would tell us not so nice things from time to time – things that they said came from their mother, but I would always take this with a grain of salt. Kids often project their own feelings when they lack the confidence to say what's on their mind. I knew that some of the things they told us their mother had said, she probably hadn't...these things were often just so mean. I gave the lady more credit than that. I would work on ways to neutralize the comments and soften them ... defuse the negativity, if you will. For example: "Mom says that we're on the way out and that Dad will soon start a new family with you". Whilst to me it was pretty transparent that this was nothing more than a child's normal fear of rejection and replacement, I said something like: ”Well, I'm sure you must have misunderstood what your mom said. She'd never say something as hurtful and as untrue as that, I'll bet”. So I built their mom up and at the same time offered them the reassurance they were obviously craving.

I also made sure whenever possible that, when in her presence, I made an attempt to speak to her and, to her credit, she has always been civil to me. As I’ve already mentioned, in our family ... and I do include the kids' mother in that definition, time has done what time does. The kids' mother and I have moved on to comparing kid stories. At sports functions things have progressed from us being on one side of the field and her on the other to all of us sitting together. There are good natured ribbings like when the kids’ team lose a game, "Glad you have them tonight . .. good luck with that!" Later, after we had our baby, again to her credit, the kids' mother approached me at a team dinner and coo cooed our baby, which of course is a nice gesture. It was really funny because during this prolonged conversation between me and their mother the girls kept looking over ... watching as I handed the baby over to their mother. My husband also kept watching ... we shared a beer by the swimming pool and just had a nice time. One of our girls who is not known for keeping anything to herself said later: “That was the weirdest time of my life!” I said: “But isn't it nice to all get along?” The girls both agreed it was.

Not too long ago the kids' maternal grandfather passed away. My husband and I both attended his service because it was the right thing to do. Upon dismissal, when the kids' mother walked by, we at first kind of awkwardly didn't know whether to shake hand or what, but instead gave each other a big ole sustained hug. It was nice! She needed it and these things are just so good for the kids to see and they promote the notion that we are family ... all of us.

There are still times when the kids' mother may do something I don't completely agree with or understand and I'm sure she'd say the same about me. But we have respect and tolerance for one another. When the kids look back at their childhood, I hope they’ll forget the little nit picky disagreements their parents had at times and that what they will remember is that we tried the very best we knew in coming together and giving them the best possible life we could.

Lessons Learned

• · When it comes to the Ex ... put the shoe on the other foot whenever possible. She is, after all, another woman. It's not hard to figure out how she might feel about something.

• · Always do your best to build her up in her children's eyes. This shouldn't be because on the big cosmic grade card of life you need the points ... it's about these young people's psyche. Their Mother is part of them - if you tear her down you tear them down. So no matter what transpired in the past, be the adult and find a way to build her up to her children. When they are older they will never forget you for doing this. Never!

• · Don't ‘villanize’ their mother. Even during moments when their dad or other family members might be saying something negative, do not chime in. It isn't mature of you and the kids not only won't appreciate it, they'll never forget it and it will simply reflect poorly upon you, not their mother.

• · Be a team. All of you. As the kids get older you're going to need to be!

(c) Christy Stocks

About the author:
Christy, who lives in the Midwest, is the married mother of four active kids, ranging in age from 18 months to 19 years. Three of of the children are her stepchildren, one is her biological child. She has a degree in Psychology and a Masters in Education and has spent over 16 years working in the Human Resources field. When Christy isn't chasing after the kids she enjoys gardening, cooking, reading, decorating, antiquing, piddling around the house and writing. She started a blog this summer, in which she shares some of her experiences as a stepmother and the lessons she has learnt in the process. To visit Christy's blog, go to Goodstepmom.com

For more ideas on how to better understand your role as a stepparent, explore how to best deal with your or your partner's 'ex', create a better relationship with your stepchildren and/or to address the tricky area of discipline in your stepfamily, why not grab Sonja's Step By Step Series Special ?

In Praise Of Stepfamillies

2011-08-12T20:47:00.000+10:00

I came across this article today and thought that you might find it interesting. Enjoy !

In the US and the UK, it's estimated that there are more stepfamilies than nuclear families. In other developed countries like Australia and Canada, the figures are not as high but they are on the climb.

Stepparents have bad reputations. Just ask Cinderella and Snow White. Mike and Carol Brady's bunch tried to give blended families a better name, but nevertheless, the word "stepmother" still brings about squirms from kids and stepmoms alike. An elderly couple a few years back told me about their experience bringing two sets of teenagers together back in the 1960s. "We wouldn't do it again," they both agreed. "It never did work and it brought us a lot of pain."

Most everything you read about stepfamilies has to do with evil stepmothers, obnoxious children, responsibility without control, resentful ex-spouses and lack of appreciation. But from my arguably unenviable position of stepmother, I'd like to talk about the better side of stepfamilies. Yes, when they work, they can work even better than "real" families.

Stepfamilies cause us to redefine our expectations of family, and that can be a good thing.Parents are universally disappointed when their grown children don't meet their expectations for phone calls, visits and life choices. Successful stepparents learn to lower their expectations a lot earlier in life, and this can have a positive impact on the emotional growth of their children. It can also have a positive impact on their own happiness.

If you're interested in becoming a better parent, count on your stepkids to tell you how to start. Remember that our biokids are still living by the rules of unconditional love and acceptance. Stepkids aren't. They're more likely to tell you exactly what's wrong with your style because they don't have anything at risk. If you listen to them with the same kind of non-attachment, you might just find they're right about how you could be more effective.

Subsequent marriages are often better than the ones that produced the kids -- you can set a better example. Remember that you and the other bioparent broke up for a reason. Your kids already went through that divorce, and you can be sure they learned something -- and not always something good -- about intimate relationships. When the pressure of a bad marriage is off and we have the energy to be better role models, a subsequent marriage can provide a better mirror for teaching negotiation, forgiveness, generosity and love.

To read the rest of this post, click here

Blending Your Families - How To Make It Work!

2011-07-31T11:22:00.004+10:00

The Slap - Is It A Stepfamily Matter?

2011-07-17T16:38:00.000+10:00

If you live in Australia you can’t possibly help having heard about the altercation that recently took place between Blanche d’Alpuchet (Bob Hawke’s wife) and Sue Pieters-Hawke (Bob Hawke’s daughter). The incident was reported on the news, has been discussed in various current affairs programs and no doubt has also been rehashed ‘ad nauseum’ on local talk shows. Well, I guess, doling out a slap or two is newsworthy indeed, especially if the ‘doler outer’ happens to be our former Prime Minister’s second (and current) wife, and the recipient of the slaps happens to be same former Prime Minister’s daughter.

Although slapping one’s stepdaughter is to be strenuously discouraged it is surely not the first such incident to occur. Many a stepmother will have given in to her slapping urge at one time or another, or at the very least, will have dreamt about taking such action - perhaps in response to yet another childish outburst of: ”You can’t tell ME what to do, you are NOT my mother!”

Although such outbursts are fairly common in stepfamilies all over the world, it is doubtful that it was those actual words that raised Blanche d’Alpuchet’s ire to the point of slapping her stepdaughter - after all we are talking about two mature women!! But what else could have been the motive?

Now, I don’t profess to know anything about the Hawke family. I neither know their current nor their historical grievances – what I do know, however, is that some of the feelings experienced by members of the family type commonly known as STEPFAMILY run very, very deep.

In stepfamilies anger, resentment, jealousy, feelings of rejection and frustration with ‘steps’ - whether these are stepchildren, step-parents, step-siblings or step-in-laws - are extremely common.

It is equally common in such families:

· For stepparents to have anything but warm and fuzzy feelings towards their partner’s ex.

· For stepchildren, who generally love both their biological parents, to take sides when they believe that one or the other is being ‘attacked’, ‘badmouthed’ or hard done by in some other way.

· For stepchildren to have a strong urge to protect a biological parent from their stepparent, especially when the bio-parent appears to be (or actually is as in the case of the first Mrs Hawkes) incapable of defending themselves.

· For those stepchildren who feel the need to protect and/or defend their ‘defenseless’ parent/s to have anything but feelings of kindness, warmth or respect for their stepparent.

Stepfamily professionals understand these common urges and strongly caution stepparents against expressing, within their stepchildren’s hearing, any of the negative thoughts or feelings they may have towards their partner’s ex. Assisting stepparents with the many challenges that they often face we also understand, however, that the temptation to ‘let fly’ can be almost impossible to resist. Take the stepmother, for example, whose partner divorced his first wife because she had a string of affairs. The partner’s child, though, in innocent ignorance blames her stepmother for her parents divorce and expresses her anger and helpless pain through intolerable behaviour.

Or consider the stepfather who takes his step/fathering role very seriously, is deeply engaged (financially, emotionally and in every other respect) but gets shoved out of the way - if not completely ignored - whenever the children’s ‘real’ dad breezes into their lives. Dads that breeze in and out of their children’s lives and spoil them rotten for the brief periods of time they spend with their children are commonly known as ‘Disney Land Dads’ and feature prominently in many a stepfamily scenario.

The truth is that stepfamilies come in all shapes and sizes and struggle with challenges, stresses and a complexity of feelings that for those who are not members of such a family type can be difficult to understand. Whilst the obvious reason for the ’Alpuchet/Pieters–Hawke confrontation may well lie hidden in Pieters-Hawes yet to be published book as was suggested by some journalists, I would venture to say that the REAL reason - the very foundation of the depth of resentment that exists between these two women - is very likely rooted in the fact that they are bound by invisible ties - ties that were not chosen by either of them but were created the very moment the father of one become the husband of the other. Is it a stepfamily matter? You decide!

Making Pain Work For You -Part 2 - A Stepmum's Story

2011-07-07T11:04:00.007+10:00

Here is the continuation, and final chapter of the article 'Making Pain Work For You. I hope that, apart from helping you realise that you most certainly are NOT THE ONLY ONE who feels pain in the process of stepparenting, it also provides encouragement and hope that things WILL get better in the long run.

DO WHAT IT TAKES – for me there was no choice. Because my elbow was broken in a complicated fashion it had to be pinned and wired back into place which meant an ambulance ride to hospital, 8 hours of waiting in the emergency ward and finally, surgery.

Some step-situations can be resolved easily, others may be helped through support, yet others require more expert help and then there are those that need to undergo surgery. As you are no doubt aware, surgery always comes with a risk. That’s why you have to sign numerous bits of paper so that if something did go wrong you cannot blame the surgeon, anesthetist, hospital etc. But if there is no other way for you to get better you will need surgery despite all the risks. If your marriage (partnership) requires surgery, go for it! Get the best surgeon you know, trust that the outcome is going to be right for you…and get it over and done with. Putting it off because you’re scared of what might happen or because you fear even greater pain or because you are so used to living in pain that you cannot imagine a different way of being, is not going to solve anything, it just prolongs the agony!

REMEMBER THAT HEALING TAKES TIME – I’ve been told that I’ll need to have my plaster cast on my 'poor old broken arm' for numerous weeks and that I’ll be quite incapacitated for a long time afterwards. This, of course, is terribly inconvenient!I cannot drive. Showering is a difficult process. Getting dressed is a challenge. Everything that used to be easy is now difficult. Oh darn!!

If your relationship requires more than just casual help it may take some time to heal. During this time you probably won’t feel too great. When things that used to work for you don’t work any more, you might no longer feel like yourself. This can be frustrating, even scary. You may feel helpless, impatient and might be wondering: Why did this happen to ME?

Rather than driving yourself crazy with questions that don’t have an easy answer, remember that all this will pass in time. In the meantime the best you can do is just go with the flow.

ACCEPT THAT HEALING TAKES HARD WORK – I’ve also been told that I’ll have to have extensive physiotherapy in order to get my arm functioning normally again. This will be time-consuming, costly, inconvenient and not least of all, painful.

For you (or your step-situation) to heal it will also require hard work. You may need to do things or to put up with things that are time-consuming, costly and painful. You’ll probably encounter times when it will all seem too hard or too painful and you’ll want to give up. Don’t despair, all of that is part of the process! Going through the healing process is rarely fun, but the ultimate outcome will be worth it.

FIND THE SILVER LINING – it is said that every cloud has a silver lining. Whilst lying in a hospital bed nursing a throbbing arm that now contains enough hardware to set off every airport security system, finding the proverbial silver lining isn’t all that easy.

When you encounter your first stepfamily trauma it may seem like the end of the world, the end of your marriage, the end of all your hopes, desires and dreams – it may be like walking straight into the midst of a big, black, threatening cloud. When this happens it is important to look for the silver lining, which sometimes can be hard to find.

After 22 years of living in a stepfamily and numerous years of dealing with stepfamily issues professionally, I can assure you that there isn’t a cloud that does not have a silver lining, you just have to look for it and be patient if you don’t discover it straight away. My stepfamily journey, as those of you who’ve read my book will know, was a rather cloudy affair but the silver lining that I ultimately discovered was pretty spectacular. Hanging in when the going seemed more than tough, doing whatever it took, being willing to do the hard work, being patient (which doesn’t come easily to me) has paid off in a thousand different ways:

I have a wonderful relationship with my husband;

the strongest marriage I know;

a great relationship with the boys who made my life so challenging years ago;

a satisfying profession (which came about as the result of my personal journey);

many opportunities to share my hard-won wisdom;

and the pleasure and privilege of witnessing people turn their life’s tests into encouraging testimonies and their messes into empowering messages.

What more could I want? I love it…but I wouldn’t be in this place had I not persevered with my journey.

If you thought that I might truly need my head examined when you first read my comparison between our step-journies and my unfortunate fall, I hope that by now you’ve changed your mind. My wish for you is:

- That you will appropriate whatever you have at your disposal to get through your tough times,
- That you make your pain work for you not against you, and
- that when you get through the tough stuff, you’ll discover that the hardest things you’ve encountered
through your step-journey turn out to be your greatest blessings.

BOOK NEWS:

The following is an excerpt from the introduction to my book “Hell…p! I’m a Stepmother.

….There are many different facets to stepfamily life. However, the major focus of this book is the gamut of feelings that are prevalent in the experiences of most stepfamilies. In order to illustrate the crippling effect these feelings can have on family members and the freedom and personal growth that can be gained as a result of understanding and learning to deal with those emotions, I have chosen to share portions of my own step-parenting journey with you. Although my situation may be quite different from yours, you are no doubt intimately acquainted with many of the feelings that often caused my life to be a misery. The reason I have chosen this focus is that these painful emotions usually accompany the most difficult stages of our step-parenting experience, and frequently are the cause of yet another family separation. It was the hard-won recognition that my ‘awful feelings’ were normal in my circumstance that not only saved my marriage, my sanity and my self-respect, but also set me on a path to personal development and growth. I have found the same to be true for many clients who have sought my help in their stepfamily struggles….…..

....When we long for a life without difficulties, remember that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure. (Peter Marshall)

For more info and to purchase “Hell…p, I’m a stepmother” click here.

Making Pain Work For You - A Stepmum's Story

2011-06-28T11:10:00.009+10:00

Last weekend I had the privilege of speaking at Coffs Harbour for the launch of NSW's branch of STEPFAMILIES AUSTRALIA. Although the conference hall wasn't filled to the brim, those wise enough to take the opportunity to participate all reported to really having enjoyed the experience and being able to walk away with new information, new knowledge, new friends and renewed hope for a positive outcome of their individual stepfamily journeys.

Having spent many years travelling this journey myself and many more years in helping stepfamilies survive and thrive, I am alway thrilled to be able to share of my experience. My hope in doing so is to pass on as much as possible of the wisdom I gained for the benefit of others in this type of family. Why should they stumble over the same hurdles, fall into the same potholes and run into the same walls that I encountered at a time when there was virtually no help available?

Thus today's article, which was one of the many newsletters I wrote during those years when TheStepStop was a thriving web-community - before my site fell victim to cyber crime - will talk about how you can make pain work for you. For pain, as much as we'd rather ignore this reality, is and always will be part of the journey. As with all things in life, however, we can allow the pain we encounter in stepparenting to conquer us or we can conquer it.

So, welcome to part one of Making Pain Work For You.

INTRODUCTION:

When I began to write this month’s newsletter some days ago, I became aware that the topic I had chosen to explore just wasn’t right at this moment. So rather than sticking with my original plan, I decided to follow my gut-instinct and start over with a topic that is much colder to my heart right now. Why? Because it’s based on a current experience. A few days ago, as I was rushing around the supermarket - full of thoughts, ideas and plans for the following hours, days and weeks - I slipped on a wet floor and went crashing full force on to the so called funny bone of my left elbow. Let me assure you that there was nothing at all funny about landing on this bone. The pain was excruciating; the shock had me shaking from head to toe; I was feeling terribly nauseous from the pain and every thought, idea and plan I’d had in my head was quickly replaced by one thought and one thought only – “Someone stop the pain PLEASE!!!” Someone eventually did – by administering a shot of pethidine. Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh what relief that was! It helped me survive the trip to hospital and the hours I had to wait for the necessary surgery during which a number of pins were inserted to get my very unhappy and most certainly not at all funny ‘funny’ bone from its current position - having totally broken away from the bones to which it is usually attached - back to where it belongs.

So, this month’s newsletter is being typed with one hand (an interesting and somewhat frustrating experience); sitting propped up in my bed - left elbow encased in a rather massive plaster cast (more or less comfortably resting on a cushion); blessing my good fortune to be in the possession of a laptop (which has been a rather recent addition); hoping that my one-handed typing speed will increase rapidly so that I’ll at least be able make myself a little useful. As I was sitting there, struggling with my new typing mode and my pre-planned subject for the newsletter, it suddenly occurred to me that my unfortunate experience had a lot in common with some of the experiences we encounter on our stepfamily journey and, quick as a flash, I decided to share my thoughts with you. Now, don’t laugh or think that I broke my head as well as my elbow – it really does! Read on and you’ll see:

HOW TO MAKE PAIN WORK FOR YOU:

Most of us travel merrily through life, filled with ideas, hopes and dreams of how we would like our future to be. At some point we finally come across the prince or princess of our dreams - the one who makes our heart beat faster, our knees go weak and stars appear in our eyes. If cupid’s arrow has truly struck, what do we do??? – we fall head over heels, crash bang, full force for that person. All previous ideas, thoughts and considerations of what he of she should be like simply fly out of our head and all we are capable of thinking at that point is “HE IS THE ONE FOR ME”.

Once having exchanged wedding vows, however, it doesn't usually take all that long until we discover the realities of stepfamily life. The fact that he comes as a package deal hadn’t been a secret but in our starry-eyed state we didn’t consider this to be a problem. Not even the existence of an ‘ex’ lurking somewhere in the background deterred us from our course of action. We knew (beyond any doubt) that we are better, nicer, much more attractive, more sensible, more mature, less hateful, spiteful and vindictive than the ‘ex’ and that all our partner REALLY needs for a happy and fulfilled life is ME. Come on, be honest - it's true, isn't it???? …….UNTIL REALITY BITES.

His (her) kids visit too often (or not often enough). They don’t like us, criticize us, tell us in no uncertain terms that we have absolutely NO business telling THEM what do, because, after all, we are not their father (mother). Or they like us so much that we’ve just made the “most wanted” list on the ‘ex's’ agenda and before we can say “oh my gosh, how did this happen?” we find ourselves embroiled in a battle that seemed to have come out of nowhere. When we complain about it to our chosen one (hoping for some sympathy or back-up) s/he says, “well, I told you what he/she is like. Now you get to see for yourself!” Our parents tell us not to worry - love will overcome all obstacles. Our friends tell us that they would never have married someone with kids and other wellmeaners tell us that we should have thought about it before we tied the knot. And voila, here we are….in non-anticipated but, all the same, substantial pain.

You can use this simple scenario or any other that you can personally relate to. Unless you are one of the few super-lucky people who have no idea what I am talking about (and I don’t actually believe that those exist) you will benefit from the following points that I discovered to be as useful in dealing with a broken elbow as they are in dealing with painful step-situations:

EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED – When I slipped, fell and hurt myself it certainly wasn’t something I’d expected would ever happen to me.

Living in a stepfamily it’s useful to expect the unexpected. For instance:

* One moment you barely know that you even have stepchildren (because the ‘nasty ex’ has 1001 excuses each time they are meant to visit or stay), the next moment they land on your doorstep, suitcase in hand saying: “Mum (dad) thought that I should move in with you for a while - PERHAPS A YEAR OR TWO – you don’t mind, do you?!

* One moment your stepkids seem to think you are super-cool but two months later after a few unpleasant incidents, run-ins and disagreements they now refer to you as the Wicked W(B)itch of the West or worse.

* One moment you are planning for Christmas with all the troops, next thing you know the ’ex’ has spirited your stepkids away with promises of Christmas in the snow/at the beach/or on the moon…..

Let me assure you, stepfamily life will bring a lot less unpleasant surprises if you expect the unexpected.

GO WITH THE FLOW – As I found myself writhing on the supermarket floor I quickly realized that despite all the plans I’d had for that day/week/month, I wasn’t going anywhere (at least for a while).

When the unexpected occurs in your life or things simply don’t work out the way you had envisaged, dreamed or planned - go with the flow. The more stubbornly you cling to your previous ideas, thoughts and plans, the harder reality will bite and the more it will hurt. Going with the flow means (as the phrase implies) that like water in a river you make your way under, over or around the obstacles in your path. If you encounter a really big obstacle your flow may even be interrupted for a while. That’s okay, it’s a normal human response. But like the flow of water in a river won’t be stopped for any length of time, going with the flow means that no obstacles will have the power to stop you for too long either.

BE TOUGH – just as I needed to be tough and not allow the excruciating pain to overwhelm me until it was finally relieved by a very welcome shot of pethidine (an hour and a half after the incident!), there will be times in a stepparent’s life when nothing short of being tough will stop them from becoming too overwhelmed, crumbling under the strain and buckling under the pressure.

Life requires a level of toughness - the ability to grit ones teeth and endure. No one who walks this earth has it easy. When we are in pain it’s easy to look around and see all the other people going about their business as normal – not a trace of pain to be seen on their faces and we long to be just like them. Guess what, they too have their struggles; they too have endured significant pain at some point or other and/or have their times of difficulty yet ahead. There is no such thing as an easy life…..and the older you get the more you will come to understand this. So, when you hit a tough spot, grit your teeth and hang in there!

ACCEPT SUPPORT – Although the customers and staff of the supermarket where I took my fall rallied around me, they couldn’t do much more than collect the bits and pieces that had fallen out of my hands (wallet, mobile, handbag) and make me as comfortable as possible under the circumstances. Despite their inability to change my situation, I really appreciated their kindness and concern. It was nice to know that I wasn’t alone.

As stepparents we need to accept any support we can get. Even if the support we are getting doesn’t change our situation, it can still be incredibly helpful. A stepparent’s support could be:

* A friend offering to look after the new baby whilst you make special one-on-one time for your distressed stepdaughter…or…take a well-deserved break…or…go shopping without appendages –yippeee!

* A step-dad mate suggesting a heart-to-heart when your stepson told you that he hates you and no matter what you’ll try you’ll never be his dad…or…the ‘ex’ is making yet another demand on your already strained financial resources and you just don’t know how to break the news to your wife…or…your partner turns yellow with jealousy every time you spend time with your biological kids.

* A parent who’ll take your kids and step kids off your hands so that you and your prince/ss can have a weekend away to sort out your differences…or…to catch up on some much needed sleep… or… to reconnect and just have fun.

Even if it doesn’t look like the supporting hand can do much to stop your pain, never say ‘no’ to someone offering help!

SEEK THE HELP YOU NEED – thankfully, just around the corner of the supermarket where I fell is a Medical Centre. As soon as I was able to be moved, I was taken to it and although between my arrival and my pain relief there were many questions asked, an oxygen mask forced on me, X-rays taken, more questions asked…….ultimately my pain was relieved.

Some step-situations can be too painful to deal with on your own. If you are in one of those do yourself a favour and seek professional assistance. Be assured that there is no shame in seeking help. It doesn’t mean that you are incompetent, weak or crazy. With many more professionals having greater awareness these days of issues that are commonly experienced by stepfamilies, seeking help merely means that you are wise enough not to struggle on your own when it isn’t necessary. Like me, you may have to undergo some painful prodding and it may take some time before your pain is relieved, but a step-savvy counsellor will assist you to get there.

Stay tuned for part 2 of this article which will follow next week.

If you live in the vicinity of Coffs Harbour and need help with stepfamily issues, click here.

How To Lessen Your Load

2011-06-19T21:09:00.006+10:00

As I was walking along the beach, admiring a school of dolphins frolicking in the waves, I was very conscious of the fact that the life most of us lead these days is incredibly stressful and leaves little time for 'fun and games'. Yet it’s the 'fun and games' that help us balance the huge bag of demands that seems to rest on everyone’s shoulders. Whilst just about everyone appears to be carrying such a bag, adults in step-and blended families often literally stagger under the weight of theirs. How can YOU lessen the load in your bag? This is what I would like to address today:

Step 1 – CHECK OUT WHAT'S IN YOUR BAG:

As a step-parent your bag may be filled with expectations or demands such as:

a. I will be a fantastic step-parent.

b. The s/kids must always come first.

c. I have to be all things to all people.

d. I can cope ....and will manage the step-load .... all on my own.

e. There’s so much to do I don’t have time for me any more.

f. I must hide my real feelings.

g. I can't not cope.

h. There is so much to worry about.

Step 2 – CHALLENGE THE STUFF THAT'S IN YOUR BAG:

Don’t just accept what’s in your bag simply because it’s there - it could be there for all the wrong reasons! The demands you may find in that bag could be someone else’s expectations; perhaps stuff that you’ve carried with you all the way from your childhood, or maybe expectations you’ve placed on yourself as a consequence of your first marriage breakdown; or perhaps they are things you believe might help your new relationship. Challenge them!!!

As you challenge them it'll be useful to give some consideration to the following:

a. I will be a fantastic step-parent

Becoming a fantastic stepparent is certainly a good and worthy intention and goal, but it’s really important that you don’t load yourself up with expectations that may be impossible to fulfill. It would be useful to explore what “fantastic” actually means to you. If it means patience, understanding, kindness, caring, respect and flexibility that’s great! If it means “I’ll win those kids over in no time”, “they’ll be champing at the bit to stay with us”, “I am going to put up with anything they’ll dish up” etc., that’s likely to fall into the unrealistic expectation category. If you load these kinds of expectations onto your shoulders you are likely to set yourself up for disappointment and failure which neither serve you nor your stepfamily well. Instead, JUST RELAX AND TAKE THINGS AS THEY COME.

b. The s/kids must always come first

I understand that since re-partnering there could be heaps of children coming and going to and from your house – your front door may even resemble a revolving one. But even so, that doesn’t mean that you should put them - their desires, wants and needs - first at all times. In fact, putting the children, whether they be your own or your stepchildren, before your relationship with your partner is a recipe for disaster. Number 1 priority in stepfamilies is the couple’s relationship, which doesn’t mean that you ignore the kids. It does mean, however, THAT MUCH OF YOUR ENERGY SHOULD GO INTO ESTABLISHING AND RETAINING A GREAT RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARTNER. I realise that this requires a delicate balancing act but your children (step-and bio) will benefit much more from this than from you catering to their every whim.

c. I have to be all things to all people

Why do I need to be all things to all people? Because if I am not, everything will crumble all around me.

If you work on that assumption all you are likely to achieve is a nervous breakdown. The “little ol’ you that there is only one of” cannot possibly be all things to all people. All people usually means your own children, your partner’s children, your ex, your partner’s ex, your current in-laws (or out-laws, whatever the case may me) and your original ones, your partner’s former in-laws (grandparents, uncles and aunties to your step-children) and loads more. So, why even try? Remember that what REALLY matters is that you are in tune with your partner and in agreement about your collective brood. Whilst it would be nice to have a comfortable relationship with everyone else - and my words are not meant to discourage you from making your best efforts towards achieving this - it is certainly not essential and isn’t worth losing too much sleep over. Just be yourself and have the faith and confidence that BEING YOURSELF IS GOOD ENOUGH.

d. I can cope ....and will manage the step-load .... all on my own

Whilst managing your step-circumstance is certainly desirable, it is quite unrealistic to believe that you will be able to manage it on your own. The step-parenting role demands a lot of emotional support and, depending on the number of step-and biological children and your circumstance, it may also require substantial physical support. In order to achieve a happy and balanced stepfamily existence it is absolutely essential that you have your partner’s full support. Stepfamilies in which this support is freely given have a much greater chance of success and long-term survival than stepfamilies in which this support is lacking. So, make sure that this is understood by your partner and ASK FOR THE SUPPORT YOU NEED.

e. There’s so much to do that I don’t have time for me any more

The 2nd priority when you take on a stepfamily is that you ensure you have some quality time for yourself. If you are totally worn and weary from all your new responsibilities, resentful from feeling completely overloaded, constantly running around doing things for others without proper regard for your own needs, you’ll not make it very far. Step-parents’ burnout rate is huge! Second marriages disintegrate even faster and in greater numbers than first marriages. Don’t allow yourself to become a statistic. Take care of yourself and ENSURE THAT YOU GET ENOUGH TIME FOR YOU. This is not a sign of selfishness, as is often assumed - it is an important investment for your own and your stepfamilies future health and success.

f. I must hide my real feelings

Healthy relationships can only grow in soil of vulnerability, honesty and trust. If you live with the impression that you cannot discuss your true feelings with your partner, your relationship is doomed to certain failure - if not straight away then sometime in the future.

In order to have a successful and happy relationship IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT EACH PARTNER IS WILLING TO RESPECT THE OTHER’S THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, HOPES, DREAMS AND NEEDS. It is essential that you hear each other out, even if what you are hearing is distressing to you. It is essential that you try and resolve any issues of conflict together rather than hiding them from the other in the hope that they will disappear of their own accord. They won’t!…and the earlier in your relationship you find the courage to tackle them, the easier they will be to resolve.

g. I can't not cope

Unless you are “superman” or “wonder-woman” chances are that you will encounter times along your step-journey when you feel unable to cope. Guess what, that’s normal - it's called life!!! It is very important that you give yourself permission to be as imperfect as the rest of the population. If you find yourself in a non-coping state you MUST let your partner know. TOGETHER WORK ON SOME STRATEGIES THAT WILL ASSIST YOU IN REGAINING YOUR COPING ABILITIES. If necessary, enlist the help of relatives and friends or gain the support of community based services or a step-savvy professional. Whatever you choose to do, don’t struggle on your own in the misguided belief that not coping is the same as being weak.

h. There is so much to worry about

Do you know anyone who’s achieved anything through worry? I don’t suppose you do because worry has never yet removed anyobstacles from anyone’s path. It seems a human tendency that we worry about so many things, many of which never even occur. All worry achieves is sleepless nights, stomach aches, resentment, stress, grouchiness, anxiety and if you engage in worry for long enough….clinical anxiety and/or depression.

The antidote to worry is to ‘take the bull by the horns’. To tackle the issue that has you worried by:

Bringing it out into the open - that means that you are no longer hiding and suppressing it, which immediately robs it of power.
Talking about it to someone - that someone could be your partner, a friend, a professional – whoever seems the most appropriate person to share it with.
Make a decision about what you CAN DO about the circumstance or thing that worry you. This puts you in charge of IT, rather than allowing IT to be in charge of you.
Act on your decision.

Step 3 - DISCARD EVERYTHING THAT DOESN'T REALLY NEED TO BE IN YOUR BAG:

When you’ve gone through this process and have considered my comments, comments which are based both on my professional and my personal step-parenting experience, you’ll find that so many of the things that have caused you a major headache or a really stiff neck (from carrying such a heavy bag) shouldn’t be in the bag in the first place. Once you get rid of all the stuff that doesn’t need to be there you won’t recognise your bag. It’ll be so light that you have a lot more strength and energy to focus on the issues that have real importance. You’ll now even be able to make time for some well-deserved relaxation; might re-discover an inclination to introduce “fun and games” into the relationship with your partner (wink, wink, nudge, nudge….say no more!) Last but not least you’ll be traveling lightly enough to have a much better chance of actually enjoying your stepfamily.

Advice For Blended Families

2011-06-10T10:48:00.006+10:00

Some good, solid advice given by a US stepfamily professional.

ENJOY!

..and Baby Makes Five

2011-05-30T20:10:00.012+10:00

The following is an excerpt from my book: Hell...p! I'm A Stepmother. I chose to post this today as I see a lot of confusion and often some rather unrealistic expectations in people who are deciding to bring an 'ours' baby into their step-relationships.

About two years into my marriage the thought of having a child of my own became very appealing. I’m not sure that I would have chosen this path had it not been for my stepsons. As I confessed earlier, I was not the most maternal of women. By that stage however I thought that since my life had already changed so dramatically and I was doing the mothering bit anyway, I might as well go for the ’real thing’. Once decided, I became very excited by the prospect and was disappointed when it took eight months before the ever-handy pregnancy test gave a positive reading. Nothing though had prepared me for the moment I laid eyes on my very own baby. I’d had no idea that holding my own little bundle of joy would make such a difference. The maternal instinct that had been lacking so sadly before, kicked in powerfully as soon as I heard the first pitiful cry from my delightfully tiny new baby son. It was like falling in love and changed the colour of my world to a mellow hue of pink. I recall to this day how gazing at my child made me see my stepsons with a new love and understanding. I suppose my heart was so full of this new, never before experienced feeling that it simply spilled over onto everyone - hormones probably had a lot to do with it too……!

Having a child with their new partner often has great appeal to stepmothers. Those with no children from a previous relationship may, like me, want to ‘go the whole hog’. Others might feel that having a child of their own might balance the scales a little in their favour. In stepfamilies where both partners are previous parents the new baby may be seen as the bridge between the two sets of children, the cement of their new relationship, perhaps even as the glue to hold the two families together. These reasons however, no matter how understandable, are never good enough to create a new life. Children created from any motive other than as an expression of their parent’s love are disadvantaged from the start and are far more likely to end up as stepchildren themselves.

Whilst the thought of adding a baby to your stepfamily might have great appeal, it pays to bear in mind that you’ll have to get through nine months of pregnancy first. This thought may not faze you if you have been through the experience before and found it an enjoyable and easy one. For first-time mothers it could be a more daunting prospect.

Some things to consider:

Workload – In order to care for your unborn child as well as yourself you need to ensure that you don’t overdo it. If you currently have a heavy workload, you will need to find ways of lightening the load.

Rest – You may get tired more easily and may need to make time for some afternoon naps.

Stress – As stress is not only damaging to you but also to your unborn child, it is important that you learn to deal with it and reduce it as quickly as you can.

Emotions – If you are battling with feelings of anger (rage), resentment (hatred), anxiety, depression or any other such emotions it might be better to put your thoughts of pregnancy on the backburner for a while.

Be aware that pregnancy causes hormonal changes which can make you feel more peaceful and placid, or can have the opposite effect and make you feel more easily aggravated, restless and upset.

If you decide to go for it, the new addition can have profound effects on everyone in a stepfamily. Frequently he or she, at least initially, is loved by all. Even the most self-focused teenager may be enchanted by the new baby and display something akin to likable behaviour in its presence. For the stepmother who is a first-time mother having her own child usually means slipping into a more natural and comfortable role with her step-charges. She is, after all, a real mother now! This is generally also true for the stepfather. Whilst the new addition can bring a greater sense of togetherness, stability and joy to the stepfamily, it can also make a stepmother’s life even more difficult as the reality of caring for a baby as well as the rest of the stepfamily may come as a rude shock. This certainly was my experience.

When my stepchildren realized that this new creature they had dutifully inspected in hospital was actually coming home to invade their space and compete for the already stretched attention capacity of their dad, their response wasn’t favourable. In keeping with their personalities, one child became more passively resistant and insular, the other more hyperactive, demanding and troublesome. With the reality of night-feeds and the penetrating shrill of the alarm clock intruding on my exhausted slumber reminding me to organize my stepchildren for school, the new-found pleasures were overtaken by the pressures of many new responsibilities which, added to all the already existing ones, often seemed almost too heavy to carry. The honeymoon was over!

Being jolted into the harsh reality of the plain hard work of caring for a new infant as well as the existing stepfamily can be a very rude shock. This can be particularly destabilizing to the stepmother who was hoping for an easier life as a result of the new family member. Added to the physical strain, the emotional impact of the other children’s jealousy and their competition for your or your partner’s already limited time, attention and affection might be overwhelming.

The first few months after bringing home your ‘bundle of joy’ is the time you are most vulnerable. The combination of the let-down after your birth experience ‘high’, physical exhaustion, disappointment about the children’s responses (yet another loss of expectation) is a potentially dangerous one. Enlisting help is of utmost importance at this point. Spouse, grandparents, other relatives, friends and community support groups (e.g. church) can be invaluable resources. Just someone minding the baby while you catch ‘forty winks’ might make all the difference. Life looks so much brighter after some rest!

Having a new baby in the home can be such a wonderful time which passes all too quickly. It can’t be emphasized enough how important it is for both you and your infant that you get as much pleasure, enjoyment and fun from this experience as possible. The personal happiness which is likely to flood over you at this time will overflow onto everyone else in your family. They will love it too!

Helpful hints:

Don’t be too brave for your own good – ask for help!
Together with your spouse, find practical ways of reducing the physical strain - enlist your relatives, friends or neighbours.
If you can afford it, hire a nanny (even just temporarily). If you can’t, get help through Community and Welfare Services.
Let someone know if you feel unable to cope.
Share your problems, thoughts and feelings with someone you trust.
Join a step-parenting support group. If you cannot find one, join a parenting help group or something similar.
Understand that if you don’t adequately care for yourself you cannot effectively care for anyone else.
Know that feeling good about yourself has a spill-over effect.
Make time for yourself.
Be kind to yourself.
Remember that this time will pass.

For more info and purchase details, click here.

Could It Be A Loyalty Conflict?

2011-05-24T10:28:00.003+10:00

Life can be pretty tough for stepchildren. In many cases they are the innocent victims of their parents' traumatic separation or divorce. When this happens they can find themselves hopelessly torn between loving their mum and loving their dad.

Let's take 11 year old Toni (not his real name). When his dad left home Toni's mum was devastated. Toni, witnessing his mother's distress, naturally became very protective of her. Since Toni's dad has remarried, Toni spends every second weekend with him and his new wife. Whilst his mother's house is still filled with pain, distress and bitterness his dad's new home is filled with love and laughter. Toni likes being there - truth be told he actually prefers being at his dad's house. Dad is generous and fun and his stepmother showers him with affection. There he does not feel the weight of responsibility that seems to rest on his young shoulders at his mother's house. However, every time he arrives at his dad's doorstep he feels sick in the pit his stomach. He feels as though is betraying his mum whom he pictures sitting lost and lonely in her empty home. So, although he wants to desperately be rid of this image; although he wants to embrace his dad and let his stepmother know how much he actually likes her, he cannot. His head is filled with confusing thoughts whilst his emotions are in total turmoil - all he can feel is utter misery and the weekend that he had been looking forward to for an entire fortnight, turns into a major disaster.

It turns into a disaster for Toni because he is torn between being loyal to his dad whom he loves dearly; (his dad's new wife who is pretty cool) and being loyal to his 'poor' mother whom he loves just as much and for whom he feels such sadness and pain. Because Toni has no way of understanding what is going on for him he also has no way of explaining it to anyone.

It's a disaster for Toni's dad who cannot understand why the son whom he loves with all his heart is so miserable, cranky and sullen all weekend and why 'for goodness sakes' he is so frustratingly non-responsive to any of his efforts at drawing him out or cheering him up.

It's a disaster for Toni's stepmother. She simply wants to feel accepted by this boy and desperately tries to connect with him but gets nothing other than what feels like cold rejection in return.

What a sad situation - and yet how many stepfamilies are intimately acquainted with just such a scenario?!

When your stepkids are less than pleasant on their weekend visits or their holiday stays remember that the reason may be that they are struggling with a painful loyalty conflict. Although this knowledge doesn't make the experience any more pleasant it will help you be more aware and perhaps more sensitive to what's going on for them.

Please remember that each and every post on this blog is subject to copyright (c) Sonja Ridden, unless otherwise stated.

Stepfamily Realities (continued)

2011-05-10T11:25:00.008+10:00

Continued from last week's post...

d. MY PARTNER WILL SUPPORT ME EVERY STEP OF THE WAY - you think ?

If you are lucky he will support you more often than not. He’d be superhuman if he’d fulfil all your expectations all of the time. Chances are that he’ll experience the occasional conflict to do with his role in the stepfamily. If he backs you up in every dispute, how will his children feel - abandoned, pushed aside, unimportant? Have you considered that these could be questions that may keep him awake at night. After all, he wants only the best for his children – he wants them to be happy. Understandable, right? Absolutely….as long as it doesn’t have a negative effect on you, right? After all it’s you who needs his support. You are the new member of the family and should be treated with special consideration. So, how will (do) you react when he backs them up every now and then? As far as taking sides in family issues is concerned, remember that he is ‘the meat in the sandwich’ trying to please all people at once, which (no matter how hard one tries) just doesn’t work.

HELPFUL HINTS:

Don’t expect your partner to be superhuman. Give him the grace to make mistakes (give yourself permission to do that also).
When he slips up, forgive!
Remember that it takes time in new stepfamilies to grow into individual roles and to find one’s place. Although you may have to make the greatest adjustments, your partner has to adjust as well.
Be patient, be understanding, be kind!
REMEMBER, YOUR PARTNER IS ONLY HUMAN!

e. DISCIPLINE WON’T BE A PROBLEM IN OUR HOME! - really?

The kids are running riot, your partner is not around…in desperation you shout….”enough, get to your room until you can calm down!” ... only to be met with an angry “you can’t tell me what to do, you are not our mother”! You stand there fuming, mouth open in readiness to retort….but what are you going to say, what are you going to do? You might like to take to drastic measures at this point but what will your partner say? Will he be angry with the kids for their dreadful behavior or take a protective stance and be angry with you instead? You are doing some quick mental gymnastics – the type of exercise most stepparents are quite good at.

Discipline can be an area of great contention in stepfamilies…

which makes it really important that you come to an agreement early on in your stepfamily formation on how you wish to handle this area. Expectations of children, their duties and responsibilities in your home need to be decided and clearly stated. It is important to be equally clear on the consequences of misbehavior. The general consensus on discipline in stepfamilies is that in the beginning (and for some time to come) any disciplinary measure should be carried out by the biological parent.

HELPFUL HINTS

Ensure that you both have clear expectations of the children’s behaviour, duties and responsibilities whilst they are in your home.
These expectations and the consequences, should they be violated, need to be clearly stated and need to be understood by the child/ren.
Initially, let the biological parents take responsibility for disciplining their children.
Be sure that the discipline is age appropriate and befitting the child/ren’s misdemeanors.
Discipline should not be harsh or over the top – the emphasis should be on teaching rather than punishment.
Discipline is only of value if you clearly separate the child’s punishable deeds from the child’s character.
REMEMBER – NEVER DISCIPLINE IN ANGER!

f. WE’LL JUST BE ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY - yea right!

This is a particularly tempting but rather unrealistic ideal for partners who each have children from their former relationships. Trying to blend two sets of children can be fraught with complications. It’s a bit like putting an elephant into the same compound as a giraffe – like mixing two different species. What makes us think that these kids are going to get along, accept and/or befriend each other? Chances are they that they have grown up in rather different circumstances, perhaps are used to entirely different life styles, beliefs, values, ideas. To top it all off their other biological parent may still be hurting, angry, jealous and have anything but friendly feelings towards you (the stepparent). Whether you like it or not, this has a profound effect on their offspring and thus has an equally profound effect on the “blending” process.

As with all other step-parenting issues the secret to success is to take it slowly. Rather than trying to make things happen let them evolve accepting that the outcome may not be the one you had been dreaming of. Yes, it’s a good idea to plan for things that all of you can do together in the hope that it will create family bonding – and it might, but then again it might not. If that’s the case, don’t let it upset you. Rome wasn’t built in one day either.

HELPFUL HINTS:

Remember that your partner’s children bring their own set of values, beliefs, expectations and histories.
Respecting these differences will greatly better your chances of happy family blending.
If your step-child/ren’s mother or father isn’t your favourite person don’t say anything negative about her or him in the child/ren’s presence.
Plan for family times, but don’t be dogmatic about them.
Meet your stepchildren at their point of need (that means, if they are grieving, allow them to grieve, if they aren’t sure about how they fit into your home and life, help them find a more comfortable fit, etc.)
Allow the two sets of children to get to know each other on their own terms without too much interference from you.
If they like each other, be happy!
EXERCISE PATIENCE EVERY STEP OF THE WAY AND REMEMBER, ROME WASN’T BUILT IN ONE DAY!

Stepfamily Realities

2011-05-10T11:04:00.013+10:00

As I was sifting through the multitudes of newsletters I wrote throughout the time period in which I still had my extensive stepfamily support site, I came across this one and thought that I'd share it with you today. Enjoy!

The other day as I was sitting in the booth of a Sydney radio station waiting for the sound that would let me know that I was connected to a radio station in Newcastle, where the first of the three interviews I was booked to do that morning was about to go to air, I wondered what the questions might be that the interviewer would ask me. It’s been interesting to observe throughout the numerous interviews I have done during the past 2 weeks in conjunction with the launch of my book, how differently the questioning was approached by those who either were stepparents themselves, had grown up in a stepfamily or had a close relationship with someone in a step-or blended family. One of the questions asked by almost everyone, however, is what suggestions I might have for new stepparents. Although I suspect that this isn’t new knowledge to you, it might be a good thing to be reminded, all the same.

Stepfamilies are rather complex “creatures”, and try as we may, we’ll never be able to turn them into the biological families we (perhaps) grew up in ourselves. So, save your energy for more useful things, for instance how to become more comfortable (and help the other members of the family be more comfortable) in the new family structure, how to “survive” interferences of your partner’s “ex” or your own “ex”, how to get along with your step kids, how to ensure that your biological kids aren’t short-changed…you get the idea?

So, what are things that can help new stepparents?

I think that the most important first step for new stepparents is to ruthlessly weed out their false expectations.

Some of these could be:

The kids will love me.
The kid’s presence won’t interfere with our romance.
The ex-partner won’t be a problem.
My partner will support me every step of the way.
Discipline won’t be a problem in our home!
We’ll just be one big happy family.

For easier reading I’ve used ‘his’ or ‘her’ indiscriminately and assure you that the issues raised equally apply to both male and female step-parents. Now, let’s look at these in a little more detail.

a. THE KIDS WILL LOVE ME – not likely!

They might accept you – grudgingly!

They might tolerate you – because if they don’t their biological parent might threaten to “rip off their heads”.

They might appreciate the fact that you are around – especially if you act as their “general dog’s body”.

If you are lucky, they might like you….and if you are super lucky, one day in the future, they may grow to love you!

FREQUENTLY, however, they initially see you as:

The “intruder” - the one who is responsible for changing everything in their lives.

The “interloper” - the one who takes their biological parent’s attention away from them.

A threat - the one who stands in the way of their biologial parents return to each-other.

The murderer of their treasured fantasy of a “happy ever after”.

It’s important to remember that your stepchildren have some huge hurdles to overcome. You’ve been thrust upon them and they probably weren’t asked whether they want you in their lives or not. Chances are they look at you with suspicious eyes, wondering:

‘Is it her fault that mum and dad split up’?

‘Is he going to take my mum’s love away?’

‘Is she going to say horrible things about mum?’

‘Will he want me around in their new home?’

‘Is she anything like the stepmother in the story of Cinderella, or one of those who’s got a whole heap of poisoned apples hidden away somewhere, as it happened with Snowhite?’

‘Is he going to change everything?’

‘Will she like me?’ etc etc.

His children may harbour many fears about your emergence into their lives. Once they begin to like you they may have even more struggles to contend with, because now they could well be caught in a painful loyalty conflict, for instance:

‘If I like him (the stepfather), my real dad will be so upset’.

‘If I enjoy my stepmum’s company, my mother will feel like she is second-best.’

‘If I show him any affection, he’ll think that I accept him as a dad substitute.’

These examples, of course, are just the tip of the iceberg, but I am sure you get the idea.

SURVIVAL TIPS:

Take it easy, take it slowly.
Remember that your stepchildren have many obstacles to overcome.
Remind yourself that your stepchildren might be caught in a painful loyalty conflict.
Understand that they are very likely grieving their personal losses.
Don’t take their reluctance, or what may look like their rejection, personally.
Remain patient and kind, and whilst this can be awfully hard it WILL pay off in the end.
YOU CANNOT EXPECT YOUR STEPCHILDREN TO LOVE YOU, BUT HOPEFULLY THEY’LL GROW TO ACCEPT, RESPECT AND LIKE YOU IN TIME.

b. THE KID’S PRESENCE WON’T INTERFERE WITH OUR ROMANCE – how wrong can you get??

When the kids are around they’ll make their presence felt for sure and the last thing on their agenda is to give you two any time alone together. If they are only weekend visitors, you might be able to manage by having your romantic dates and romance times of intimacy during the week. If they live with you permanently, you’ll have to be much more creative than that. If you enter stepfamily living with this knowledge, you won’t be quite as resentful the first time your little stepdaughter jumps all over the two of you on a Sunday morning and it’ll be much easier to bear if daddy, pleased as punch, snuggles up with his little girl whilst you, feeling a bit like the intruder, almost fall out the edge of the bed.

Especially in the beginning of your step-journey, it is wiser to confine your romantic notions to times when the stepchildren are not around. If they are around all the time (as in living with you permanently) it is best to create firm boundaries that will let them know right from the start that you need uninterrupted times together. These times and the way this is communicated, needs to be worked out between he two of you and must acceptable to you both, which may mean COMPROMISE.

SURVIVAL TIPS:

If you are a weekend stepparent, ensure that you have romantic dates and times during the week – this is IMPORTANT!!!
If you are a full-time stepparent establish, together with your partner, agreeable and workable boundaries that ensure private time for romance – this is equally IMPORTANT.
Insist on the occasional time away (without the children) and ensure that you manage a decent size holiday (without the children). Even if this is difficult to arrange, it is totally necessary to the survival of your relationship.
IN STEP-SITUATIONS (as in all others actually) IT IS ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL TO MAKE TIME FOR INTIMACY AND ROMANCE.

c. THE EX-PARTNER WON’T BE A PROBLEM - yeah right!!

Well, I guess you could be one of the lucky ones where this is indeed the case. Experience, however, tells me that there aren’t too many such fortunate stepfamilies around. If the “ex” isn’t vitriolic, vindictive or downright hostile, she/he might have gone the other way. She could be so “friendly” that you find her on your door-step at every opportunity, asking you to “help out” by taking the kids whenever she isn’t up to dealing with them (or wants to have time to herself!!) or he could be overdoing it in the kids department – spoiling them in a way that you find quite inappropriate. Interference can come in may different packages.

Unfortunately the ex-partner has a lot of power and can, if he or she chooses, make your life a misery – that is, if you allow it. Reality is that they have a thousand ways to interfere with your attempts at making the new family ‘work’ and because there is no way that you can control this, it can cause you extreme frustration. Therefore it’s a good idea to determine from the start that, no matter what, you won’t let the ex-partner rattle you. This, however, requires good personal boundaries, a certain amount of maturity and someone who lets you blow off steam.

SURVIVAL TIPS:

Make your best effort to get along with the “ex”.
If that’s a futile attempt, realize that they can only get to you if you let them.
Realise that hostility, nastiness and resentment are games that lose half the fun if there is only one player.
Be aware that negative emotions hurt the person who feels them much more than the person against whom these emotions are directed.
Ensure that you have someone with whom you can safely let off steam if things get a little too hot for you. Your partner is only of limited use in this department, because he or she is too close to the situation to be objective.
Remember that you cannot control anyone else’s actions, but you can control your response and reaction.
THE EX-PARTNER WILL IN MOST CASES, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, BE A PART OF YOUR STEPFAMILY LIFE.

The remainder of this article will be posted next week. So, be sure to stay tuned in for that.

If You Were Warned....

2011-04-29T09:56:00.006+10:00

When I still had my large stepfamily support website I also had quite a few site monitors - ladies in the midst of their stepfamily journey - who wrote a number of very interesting and helpful articles for our site. The following article was written by one of THE BEST.

Like most other stepmothers I wasn’t made aware of the potential hazards I might encounter upon falling in love and marrying a man with an ‘ex’ and kids... and I wonder - if I had been warned - would I have run the other way or would I have continued walking the path I chose to take?

Like most step-journeys mine has been rather bumpy at times. It too was filled with potholes and steep hills to climb, but it was a choice my husband and I made together. We found that by working ‘as one’ we are travelling in the same direction …and this helps us to continue moving forward.

“If you were warned” brings to light many of the feelings and experiences that, I am sure, many other stepmothers are feeling and are needing to deal with in their stepfamily journey. I’m hoping that sharing with you some of the lessons I have learnt throughout my journey might make things a little easier.

If you were warned.... (by Liz)

Many thanks to the wonderful stepmumwhose post “If you were warned” was the inspiration behind the following article which I wrote for this newsletter.

See this man? If you choose to be with him this is what your life could be like….

Liz: If you stopped reading here, this sentence could quite easily be the beginning of a romantic tale filled with laughter and tears, hopes and dreams, disappointments and rewards, challenges and achievements, happiness and pain.

Lesson: We need to experience one to feel the other…for without rain there are no rainbows.

His X will always have control over YOUR life too...

Liz: The ’ex’s’ control is primarily governed by how much we allow her to have. If it feels overwhelming perhaps it is time to take back the control, regain the power to say NO and make some simple changes to minimise the disruptions and interferences she causes.

Lessons:

It helps to get caller ID. This ensures you are pre-warned when she calls and makes it your choice whether to speak with her or not.
Limit all talk about the ‘ex’ to a specific time or day of the week. This keeps you focused and helps you to minimise rehashing all 'the evil' things she’s done.
Don’t plan EVERYTHING around the kids and you won’t be constantly disappointed by the ‘ex’s’ last minute change of plans. Instead, be seen to have a life of your own!

CS does not care if YOU have bills....in fact the more you make the more it is...

Liz: Yep, this unfair and I think most agree that the system needs a good overhaul. I believe that a board has been appointed to review the existing system and to, later this month, report their findings to Parliament. I feel, however, that it will be a long time before substantial changes are made to benefit the paying parent.

There are several sites which contain loads of information regarding this. There also is a poll in the forums and a list of various websites relating to Child Support enquiries.

You will be treated like dirt, stepped on, kicked around, verbally and emotionally abused and you cannot say anything about it...

Liz: I have spoken up for myself, speaking directly to both the ‘ex’ and her husband, along with addressing my husband afterwards regarding his lack of support and interjection at the time of the abuse. I don’t think it did any good. In fact, it probably only aggravated the situation further and, to be honest, left me feeling worse. Nothing was achieved and I felt sick for days, sorry for myself that I’d been accused of things that were untrue and judged by people who didn’t even know me. Looking back I realise just how silly I was to put myself in this position.

I now walk away leaving everyone yelling and causing their own scene. I make myself unavailable, therefore disabling a potentially nasty situation before it arises. If they call wanting to start an argument, I hang up. If they approach me when we drop off the kids, I quickly say my goodbyes and get back in the car.

Lesson: There are always going to be bullies who think they can push you around. Don’t give them the power to do so!

The X's feelings come before your own. It is up to you to co-operate at all times...

Liz: My husband used to complain that he just couldn’t win – couldn’t make his ‘ex’ happy, and couldn’t make me happy either. Hmmm! I wondered why HER happiness had anything to do with us….I didn’t understand his thoughts behind this but eventually realised that he assumed if she was happy there would be less stress for us. He neglected, however, to realise that she’ll never be happy.

Lesson: Be patient with him, he’ll figure this out in time.

The Skids sometimes will not listen to you…

Liz: You should talk to my mother! We didn’t listen to her and we weren’t her stepchildren. I haven’t met a kid who listened attentively all the time therefore, although frustrating, I think it’s pretty unrealistic to expect step kids to behave any differently to kids from bio families.

Lesson: It might be useful to find ways of rewarding the stepchildren when they DO listen to what is asked of them. Ranting and raving rarely helps but everyone loves incentives!

You will have a very difficult time getting ahead in life. If you do, beware that the X wants more...

Liz: I have friends who are in a worse financial situation than me and it’s not due to an ‘ex’ but to their particular circumstances. I cope by reminding myself that things could be worse and have, over time, come to realise that although there are lots of things I’d love to own, I actually have all I REALLY need.

Lesson: Being loved and accepted by my husband, kids and family is the greatest wealth of all.

Earlier on my husband succumbed to the pressure of paying the ‘ex’ far more than he could afford but he eventually came to ‘see the light. Many part-time fathers do this and it’s often out of their guilty belief that their children are solely their responsibility and they should be paying for everything because they are no longer full-time in their children’s lives.

Now, if the ‘ex’ wants them to have additional luxury items, she’ll need to seek employment herself.

Your new spouse will be stressed out...

Liz: Some men have difficult ex-wives, other’s have difficult mothers (mothers-in-law). I guess it’s the luck of the draw. We make a point of taking a break from thinking about the ‘ex’ and all the problems associated with her.

Lessons: We’ve discovered that it’s vital for our relationship’s survival to have some ‘us’ time during which we don’t think about anything else. This may mean sneaking away every so often and when this isn’t possible to just allocate some time to be ‘ex-less.

You will spend thousands of dollars on lawyers, court dates, mediation, child assessment, etc, etc, etc...and expect to do this several times...

Liz: I can relate to this. After nearly 8 years of fighting for what is right we have realised that no amount of formal paperwork or court appointed orders will achieve what we originally set out to achieve.

Lesson: The laws are only as good as the people abiding by them and, although incredibly frustrating, you soon realise what is worth fighting for and what is not.

You may not be able to ever afford to have a child of your own…

Liz: I understand how hard it is to manage finances, particularly when there seems to be a continuous stream of money being given to another family. I do believe, though, that with compromise and some clever manipulation most of us can LIVE OUR DREAM. Sadly, not every mother can stay at home to raise her baby. Many have to return to the workforce far too quickly. But this happens in nuclear families, too!

Lesson: Rather than accepting that you cannot afford a baby, perhaps you could look at part-time work. With the help of friends, family members or even by organising a babysitting club with other part-time working mums you might be able to earn a little cash to take some of the pressures off you both.

You may never be able to afford things for your own children...

Liz: That’s also true for some nuclear families! When I was growing up my father worked whilst mum stayed at home to raise us 3 kids. While most of my friends had a VCR, we were content with the rare trip to the movies. While other kids went on holidays interstate, we were lucky to stay with grandparents or at friends’ houses. While my girlfriends wore label jeans, I had 3 pairs of cheap jeans to choose from, and so on.

Lesson: As long as your children have the general necessities -along with your love, support and encouragement, they are far wealthier than most children in this world.

Whatever the BM says is the truth...you, of course, misunderstand her...

Liz: Of course we misunderstand her just like we misunderstand our husbands when they say they didn’t mean it …or they didn’t say such and such. My hubbie says that there are many things I don’t understand… and he’s right. There are times I just can’t figure him or his ‘ex’ out… but I love him all the same.

Lesson: All that matters is that you know what is true. Just remember that a clear conscience is the softest pillow.

Your name and reputation will be torn apart...to everyone possible. Even strangers believe what is being said about you…

Liz: Yes, there will always be some people who do that and I pity them as those who repeat gossip are worse than the person who invented it. I live in a small rural town; in a house that the ‘ex’ once lived in; in a street where her parents still reside; and amongst neighbours who knew my husband and her as a couple. This has made things extremely tough at times and it’s been heartbreaking to hear the rumours and lies that have been told about both of us.

Lesson: I don’t care anymore as other’s opinions really do not matter. I’ve learnt to rely only on my husband’s, my children’s and my family’s support and encouragement.

You do not have an opinion...

Liz: Yes you do, it just might not be taken on board or be administered. I’m guilty of making this type of comment all the time, finding it difficult to accept that although I might have a suggestion regarding the kids - and a good one at that- it might not be a viable option.

Lesson: It’s not easy to switch between taking care of the stepchildren when they are with you and having no say at all in their lives when they return home, but it’s something we have to accept.

… there is a 50/50 chance you MIGHT get along with the X. In the event you do get along, it may only last a short time, and might only mean she won't verbally abuse you to your face...deal with it...

Liz: That’s my story, too! She hated me… then she thought I was ok… suddenly she thought I was her best friend and… now she hates me again. You cannot win!

Lesson: Always remain true to yourself and remember there is nothing to be gained by lowering yourself to her standard. Be polite and friendly at all times and ask yourself if her acceptance of you is really that important.

You can be sure that all those nasty rumours she spreads will wear thin after a while as all that she accuses you of is completely contrary to the behaviour you continually display.

With love,Liz

FOOD FOR THOUGHT:

Be More
One of your greatest values is how you feel about yourself. This year, resolve to Be More...for this is your Song.
Achieve More
Be Happy More
Care More
Do More
Enjoy More
Follow your Heart More
Hope More
Inspire More
Jump More
Know yourself More
Love More
Motivate More
Notice More
Offer More
Practice More
Quiet your Mind More
Rejuvenate More
Simplify More
Trust More
Unify More
Value yourself More
Walk More
Xpand More
Zzzzz More

(Anon)

Angry At Your Stepkids ???

2011-04-02T16:43:00.007+11:00

Statistics report that one of the 2 major areas of conflict in step- and blended families are your partner's children. If it isn’t their behaviour, it could be that their biological mum or dad (your darling partner) just seems to drool over them OR that this very same partner just cannot see (what surely is blatantly obvious!) these children’s multitude of faults! OR that this very same darling partner simply refuses to take your side when you are clearly right about something or the “rotten egg” isn’t at all sympathetic to your plight. If that’s how it is for you, read on…..

What can you do?

You CAN take charge of the situation!

How?

Follow these steps.

Step 1- ASK YOURSELF: Who am I really angry with?

* My step children?
* My partner?
* My partner’s ex?
* Myself?

Step 2 - THINK ABOUT IT

Figure out WHY it is that you are angry with one, more or all of the abovementioned people.

Be prepared:

* that your REAL anger may have little to do with your stepchildren. It might instead be to do with your partner’s way of dealing with them;
* with his ex’s partner’s poisoning tactics;
* with your inability to deal with the situation…..
* or you could be feeling it for any number of other reasons.
* Then again, it might really be the stepchildren you want to strangle.

Whatever the case may be, the next helpful step is to…..

Step 3 - WRITE IT DOWN

Writing can be enormously useful. It helps to clarify ones thoughts and feelings….and is good pre-verbalization practice.

Step 4 - TALK ABOUT IT

Now that you are clear on the issue, tell your partner.
In order to do this without putting him on the defensive, it helps to:

* Wait for the right time – don’t do it the moment your partner walks through the front door after a long day at work.

* Create the right atmosphere – e.g. take your partner out for coffee, make a special meal for the two of you, take a walk through the park.

* Begin by telling your partner how much you love/admire/appreciate him for…….whatever you truly love/admire and appreciate about him.

* Tell your partner that the reason you are raising this issue is because it is a real problem to you and you want him to help you resolve it for the sake of more harmonious family living (and your sanity!).

* Remain calm and (preferably) unemotional.

* When you tackle this issue ensure that you own your thoughts and feelings. This is best done by using “I” language (e.g. “I feel really angry when your son arrives and ignores me”, or “I feel hurt and unappreciated if you don’t back me up in my expectations of your children’s behaviour in this home”, or “I feel taken advantage of when your kids don’t help with the cleaning up”. Get the idea?

* If your partner reacts defensively, tell him that this is not about accusations, winning a battle, scoring points or anything else of that nature. It’s about YOU needing HIS help to resolve a problem.

5. TOGETHER FIND A SOLUTION

Because the problem involves a number of people and relationships, a solution may not be easy to find. Sometimes the only possible solution is to compromise. If compromise is the answer, don’t let this distress you. Remember a compromise is better than no change at all! Rome wasn’t built in one day either.

MOST IMPORTANTLY you’ve just spent quality time with your partner; have practiced a new way of communicating; have ensured that he is aware of what’s really going on for you; have been open and vulnerable thus giving him permission to do the same – in other word YOU’VE JUST MADE A VALUABLE INVESTMENT TOWARD A HAPPY AND SUCCESSFUL FUTURE.

StepmotherMATTERS

How To Plan For A Happy 2012

9 Best Movies For Step Families

Blending Your Families Video

THE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS - Part 3

THE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS - Part 2

THE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS

DISCIPLINE is not a dirty word, after all!

DISCIPLINE - Is It A Dirty Word?

Blending Your Families Successfully

Remarriage may cause refocus of finances

Maturity Puts You In Control Of Your Life

Maturity - The Stepparent's Winning Formula

Maturity And Stepfamily Success - Part 2

Maturity And Stepfamily Success

The Kids’ Mother...aka The Ex...

In Praise Of Stepfamillies

Blending Your Families - How To Make It Work!

The Slap - Is It A Stepfamily Matter?

Making Pain Work For You -Part 2 - A Stepmum's Story

Making Pain Work For You - A Stepmum's Story

How To Lessen Your Load

a. I will be a fantastic step-parent

b. The s/kids must always come first

c. I have to be all things to all people

d. I can cope ....and will manage the step-load .... all on my own

e. There’s so much to do that I don’t have time for me any more

f. I must hide my real feelings

Healthy relationships can only grow in soil of vulnerability, honesty and trust. If you live with the impression that you cannot discuss your true feelings with your partner, your relationship is doomed to certain failure - if not straight away then sometime in the future.

g. I can't not cope

h. There is so much to worry about

Advice For Blended Families

..and Baby Makes Five

Could It Be A Loyalty Conflict?

Stepfamily Realities (continued)

HELPFUL HINTS

Ensure that you both have clear expectations of the children’s behaviour, duties and responsibilities whilst they are in your home.

These expectations and the consequences, should they be violated, need to be clearly stated and need to be understood by the child/ren.

Initially, let the biological parents take responsibility for disciplining their children.

Be sure that the discipline is age appropriate and befitting the child/ren’s misdemeanors.

Discipline should not be harsh or over the top – the emphasis should be on teaching rather than punishment.

Discipline is only of value if you clearly separate the child’s punishable deeds from the child’s character.

REMEMBER – NEVER DISCIPLINE IN ANGER!

Stepfamily Realities

If You Were Warned....

See this man? If you choose to be with him this is what your life could be like….

Angry At Your Stepkids ???